I am really beginning to understand the dedications on books better now then ever. I am only just getting up and moving. However last night was the first night in a long time I have felt like I got decent sleep. Though something woke me up so I didn’t sleep as late as I could probably have. I have a very cuddly puppy dog right now and I am quiet enjoying it. The first thing I do each morning is check the activity on this site. So far so good, though hopefully some momentum will start to build. Today I think I might work a bit on the characters themselves as they are getting more and more in depth and I dont want to forget who can do what and what they can do. I am enjoying think up different things each person can do along with species to make it more unique then what I have been seeing of late. Who knows, maybe chapter 16 will get written today, or maybe 16 and 17. I never know how much these guys want to share with me at any given time. Though it seems Damien is turning out to be quite the interesting supportive character. The other thing I might do is grab my pencils and start on some custom drawing for the images. Who knows, and honestly in a way I like the unpredictablity of that while loving the structure of getting up, taking the dog out and then sitting down with my morning cup of whatever it is I choose that day (Today its chai tea) and writing out my thoughts. It actually seems to help more then the medication, though to be fair I got sleep last night which has been something rare of late. I think I am going to start using a timer as it seems like I am going to be spending alot of time at my computer to make sure I get up and move around. In December I had a pulminary embolism… ok a few found… and it scared me to say the least so now that I am sitting in bed or my wheelchair a fair bit more without moving around I think it is time to start putting movement reminders into my routine. Eventually I will even work in tai chi… did you know that it is great for some injuries in helping with movement and adapting to the changes in your movement? I didn’t so that is my long term goal. Though first is getting moving more and trust me that is a fight in and of itself with my injuries from a long ago car accident. Yet that is one good thing about being stubborn, you tend to keep trying till you find a way. I can not tell you how many notebooks have random poems or texts to people who do as well, or how many half finished fractions of first chapters. This time I am making it though and I could not be happier about that one. Though I really need to find some different positions to work in cause my ass gets sore after a bit and that means very sore hips.
It might be a pain med day, plus the migraine starting up means pain is going to be the name of the day. I refuse to let it stop me from getting something done though. I always have. This surprises people a fair bit because of the photosensititivity that comes with migraines and the desire to throw anything that makes noise out the window and move to the country and hide that tends to come with them. However growing up with six years between me, the oldest, and the next kid in a very large family meant I had to learn to push through cause as much as I love my siblings they drive me up the wall at times and when they were young they thought it amusing to turn the light on and run from my room. That and kids tend to be loud, just a fact of life. So I keep a bucket close by just in case and do what I can. For me this works because it distracts me to some degree from the pain coursing through my body. To date, with all the pain I have known physically I am not sure which tops my list…. natural child birth or migraines, child birth via c-section takes position four or five. My hips take position three hands freaking down. Though I think I can push through alot of that pain because of those rug rats I call brothers and sisters.
Today is a gorgeous day it’s 4*C and I am starting to see a lack of coats and flip flops come out despite snow being on the ground and a fair bit of it. Heck I even used my short pull on fleece over sized sweat shirt (Comes down to just above my knees) last night with my boots when I walked the dog. This is because she loves to go for the deep snow to do her buisness and runners just do not hold up well to trudging through snow. You get rather cold feet.
Last night I had a great talk with Jasper. I am rather intrigued by him and his dedication to things. He is so respectful as well and I like that. It even seems he gets that writers can keep some random ass hours and when the writing bug hits there is no stopping it. I hope he is more amused then anything. Yes you… I know you read these silly man lol. This morning though I got a text from someone I had not talked to in a very long time his name is Ethan and I recalled quickly why I wanted to put my foot up his rear the first time. He doesn’t stop pushing. This particular individual isn’t happy with what pictures I decide to share and instead demands nudes or various degrees. Sorry I don’t want to see your privates, and mine stay for those who have earned it such as men like Jasper. He has asked yes, but respected the no and not asked again. I am not an exibitionist I am shy and yea conservitive in some ways. It also doesn’t help that I have had men hurt me in the past and some rather badly. So sadly those I meet and look at romantically have to combat the fuck ups of others. Just like I have to deal with the fuck ups of those in their past. We all have baggage and the older we get the more baggage there is for us to handle, so hopefully the person we tie our lives to becomes someone who will help carry that weight just as you should help carry the weight of theirs. Life isn’t always easy, it loves to test us, and knock us down. That is not what makes us who we are, instead it is how we respond to those things that define who we are. Things we can control, our actions. You can either shrug and start talking about how you can’t put my work down and like it or you can throw a tantrum and break a hard rule I have. DO NOT IGNORE ME. That is not a punishment, that is not anything besides childish and I don’t have time for childish boys in men’s bodies. Yea life gets in the way and delays responding to texts but how much do you want to bet if I were to give in and send some photo I am not comfortable with he would be instantly responding instead of the silent treatment. Did ya know I am stubborn? I think someone will learn that I respect myself enough to say no and stand by that choice no matter how much a person may intrigue me. This incident this morning before I had even rolled out of bed highlighted how much I like Jason and how accepting he is of everything about me. People, this is what you should look for in a partner. Someone who accepts you. This especially stand’s out for me because I am into BDSM and Kink and I need to trust that the person I am with will stand by what I have said not just go and do whatever they need. Funny thing is we demand this more in this lifestyle then we do in day to day interactions and that is not ok. We should be demanding this and doing better ourselves in our day to day things, not just in certain aspects of our lives and where everyone can see it, I promise myself to do exactly that. To follow the prayer I say when I smudge.
I lift the smoke over my head and pray for the negativity of the day/night to be washed away.
I lift the smoke to my eyes and ask for clarity of sight
I bring the smoke to my mouth and pray for the courage and wisdom to speak the truth when I speak and to know when to be silent
I bring the smoke to my ears and ask to hear clearly and respectfully of those around me.
I move the smoke around my body and pray for health this day/night and to keep me grounded to mother earth
I move the smoke over my feet praying to keep my steps light on mother earth and able to feel her heart beat
I bring the smoke to my heart and ask the spirits to guide all I do that day/night with love.
It’s very simple and something that seems like just actions but when you do this twice a day you actually start to do these very things. Weather it’s learning by repatition or Spirits or the Creator (use whatever name fits your beliefs) guiding me I do not know but I do know it works for me. So I keep doing it. If I feel I need to smudge more that day I do so, if I do not have it with me, an Elder taught me that I can use just water even. Just offer some to the ground as thanks at the start and end and do the same thing you do with the smoke. uhhh just do not inhale the water please. When he taught me this, he said we walk in prayer so we can pray any time without need for anything, to converse with the Creator and Spirits as if they are right next to me because they are. This was a very valuable lesson and one I still struggle with pulling into my day to day life, yet when I need it the most it comes back to me. There is a right time and a right place for everything that is “indian time” not what it has been twisted many generations ago to mean. Remember history is written by the victor so it’s only one side of the story and there are are always three sides, his side, her side and the truth in the middle somewhere. Yea much we have been taught as kids but how many of us have thought about it and placed into our day to day lives? We all pray for world peace and that starts right here in each of our hearts.
Talk later. I am gonna go walk the pup and turn on the tunes while I decide what to do, write another chapter or print off what I have for the characters already so I can jot down notes. Or maybe hang that cork board to hold scribbled on papers of ideas on. Chaos of a creative mind restrained lol instead of spread all over the place lol
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!