Today I am a little more settled. I am always all over the place before the fifth of March every year. This one was worse because my medications that help with the psych side of my health are being adjusted so I did not have the usual barriers in place. Let alone filters.
Yesterday Esmira who is younger then me by about six years shock the day lights out of me that is for sure. She had sent me this beautiful message and it clicked a light on that she has always seen past the autisitic mask, she has always seen me… for me. Definitely a good thing and needed yesterday. It also finally clicked she was and is the reason I learned to start embracing who I am not what others want me to be. Esmira is the reason I have made it through some of the harder times in life and accepted myself at least in private. She is the center of my strength. Though being the big sister I had to turn the tables on her lol I got her good as well as her fiancé. It turned into a battle of who could make who cry happy tears the hardest. Just what I needed.
The emotional burn out that comes with hard times like these is not funny. Usually it takes days to recover from this particular one. This time I handled it by letting my memories run their course yesterday as some probably noticed and then with each person who stood by me during that time I messaged them with the happiest memory I could of them and my kiddo. Esmira got a bitter sweet one but instincts told me it was the right one. I followed that and well it was the right choice. Reinforcing a teaching from the Indigenous people I was taught and that was to always listen to instinct. I am not so great at that one most of the time.
Today I am finally back in a head space to write. The one chapter I have gotten done took me a bit to get through because of intrusive memories. However I am at least back in the headspace to write and that means good things. I never realized how hard it is to describe emotions effectively that’s for sure, part of the problem is that I struggle with that in day to day life and always have. I am eager to get to finish this story so that I can get to the edit and improve stage. What you are seeing is pure raw writing and ideas. So there are probably a number of areas where there are story line gaps. That will change. I wanted to include people in the entire process as best I could. One day I may even be lucky enough to publish.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!