Ok so you get two for one today. This one is about a specific topic. Intimacy in a romantic relationship. I am going to need you to stay with me on this one. The example I will be using is a hot button topic but perfect for my needs today. I am actually going to create a section for posts that do not pertain directly to my life or to the work I am doing as an author. Learning people though is part of learning to be a great author.
Lately I have been having issues with a friend who I am very close to. He just broke up with his wife and I will not lie he is far better off without her as she was very abusive. However it has screwed with what he thinks is intimacy. There are aspects to this relationship that some may not understand. It was an open relationship. I have seen those succeed in some amazing ways, hell it was not that uncommon all that long ago for polygamy before we had so much tech to help. I have also seen some of those open relationships fail horribly. Usually due to lack of balance in expectations, the rules need to be the same no matter what the dynamic is. Even if one of those partners never actually decides to take the opportunity.
My first exposure to an amazing display of this working was where partner A who is straight, Partner B who is bi. Obviously the partner A would not be able to meet all the needs of partner B. So they talked and actually wrote out a contract of promise to each other. The rule they said was most important was the ability to veto. So this meant that not only did the partner C in that relationship knew they were not the only one with the partner B but that partner A also got a chance to meet the other and this made things more comfortable. This is just one example of it working and oh it takes a lot of work to maintain a multiparter relationship which is why I personally am monogamous.
Now here is where I see things start to go wrong with these types of relationships. So we will use partner A who is straight, Partner B who is bi again. Partner B has gone through all the steps so Partner A is content with Partner C even if they do not interact all that often. One of the rule’s is that Partner A and B never bring another into their bed that they share. Don’t blame them for this one lol for many reasons we will not touch base on. However Partner B is starting to spend more time with Partner C and the intimacy is starting to be impacted with Partner A feeling neglected. This is when you are in trouble. This is when you need to step back, rebalance things and communicate. However I have noticed a disturbing trend in these people I know who are starting to flounder or out right blew up the dynamic. They do not get that intimacy is not just sex. This applies to both genders, women can be just as guilty as men. We just start doing it a bit later in life due to when we hit our sexual prime. That is about the only difference. So let us explore intimacy a bit and maybe this will help someone or many people. Don’t know but since I can not help people in medicine maybe this will help them in a different way. So here we go.
What got me on this topic exactly.
I actually was curious due to the issues with my friend latching onto me and getting out of line. He was saying he needed intimacy to open up. Well they are one in the same things. Kyle had the bad luck of messaging me while I was on my laptop. Now that Apple and Microsoft have started to get along that means I can pair my phone to my laptop and there is less of an interruption in my work when I respond. So I had a keyboard to fill him in on this very topic. However I was unsure how to phrase it and only having had half a cup of matcha in my system I jumped over to copilot the AI for Microsoft OS for help in the description of what intimacy is in a romantic couple. Even I got to learn some new things. I do love that.
So yea I put it in a way that his caveman brain could understand. (Note: Caveman brain is not my term, my sister’s fiancé’s term lol and I am so stealing it)
After I finished that whole cup of matcha and typed my daily journal like post here I got to thinking about intimacy. How even I someone who loves information learned a fair bit just with the AI response. For the caveman brain that is not so great at words how would this look to them. How could I explain it in a way that if someone who needed help in the most basic of ways. Well that in and of itself created a writing challenge for me.
What is intimacy…
Intimacy is in a romantic relationship is a profound connection that encompasses emotional closeness, physical bonding, and mutual understanding. It’s multifaceted and deeply personal, but at its core, intimacy is about being fully seen, heard, and accepted by your partner.
This means, intimacy is not just sex, one of the many aspects of it yes. However far far from the primary aspect.
Intimacy is knowing your partner in a way no one else does from how they react in situations, when they may need something from their body language, understanding at least to some degree their spiritual beliefs even if you do not share them and respecting them.
So that means at the most basic level intimacy is:
Connecting mind, body and soul on both sides. Or in some cases many sides of a dynamic. It is that simple. Mind, body and soul. If you have the mind and understand the spirit of someone then the sex just naturally comes and it will be the best when you take that time.
Let’s dig a bit deeper cause I am curious as well. So why not share the information? I will include my input at the last of each section.
1. Emotional Intimacy
This is the heart of a deep connection. It involves:
- Vulnerability: Sharing your innermost thoughts, fears, dreams, and feelings without fear of judgment.
- This means listening and hearing your partner and accepting that they are sharing a very deep part of themselves with you. Often things they do not share with others.
- For me personally this is huge because this means I trust you enough to be me, not what I think you want me to be. A learned behavior from the moment you can understand that being to different means being lonely. So you try to fit in by mimicking the behaviors around you in every situation. This eventually becomes second nature and you loose sight of who you really are. Hence the name of this site. Who am I? I do not know anymore but I am learning and I am sharing that with you. This helps me learn not to mask, this helps me learn to be me, having someone in that corner helping me and saying “Siearra, the world is so much better when you exactly who you truly are.” There is only one person in this corner for me right now and it sure as hell ain’t romantic. Esmira said these exact words to me on the fifth. When I really needed to hear it. She is six years younger then me and we are sisters. I know we are not supposed to pick favorites however Esmira is the sibling I am closest to that I grew up with despite the age difference. Her words were dead on. Having this intimacy even outside of the romantic area has such a ripple effect that gives peace to the heart and helps sooth open wounds that have grown because I am not who I am around others and it has gotten to the point I really do not know who I am besides a healer at heart. This gives me confidence. Imagine the impact if it was on a romantic level especially with a long term partner!!! I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of having my kid sister say it to me let alone what it might feel like in a partnership. Though I may get a taste of it soon as it builds between me and someone special in my life.
- Trust: Relying on your partner to be there for you emotionally, creating a safe space for honesty and openness.
- what does this mean? Well as someone with ASD AuSD ADHD (AuSD is a term that has started coming out online for those with ASD and ADHD because it can be an interesting puzzle due to the way they contradict each other lol) I actually have an idea of the intense value of this one holds. If you don’t have a safe space where can you go when the world gets to hard and you need to cry it out? The shower? For me currently that is exactly what it is. It is impersonal and cold and not all that comforting and does not last long. However Esmira when I lost my daughter was my safe space as well as Mikhail my older brother. The value of breaking down and having their arms around me, or just standing by my side as I shattered helped me in ways I can not describe and eventually even jumpstarted the process of getting to where I can recall happy memories of my daughter. I have had this once with guy many years ago. I have never slept better or felt safer then I did in his arms knowing that even if he wasn’t there when something happened he would be there through the entire process of accepting it… good or bad. Sadly he passed away recently, we were cuddle buddies for a long time. When I really needed comfort and wasn’t something a sibling could give me comfort on, I would drive four or five hours depending on stops to him and his wife (she and I are like sisters now) and she would actually at first insist … well demand. That she take the spare room bed and I take her spot in their bed. The only time they allowed that rule of only us in our bed rule. Yes these are one of the people I have seen make a less then typical dynamic work well. Eventually she joined the cuddle pile as we got to know each other. Never asking questions and waiting until I was ready to share what happened. There was nothing sexual between him and I just a deep understanding of needing that person who gives you their absolute trust and you give it back and in this case it was the wife giving me her trust and on blind faith. I do not think she gets how valuable that was for me for years I have tried to explain it but never managed to see that understanding in her eyes. I don’t get the same impact as I do from her so right now I have no safe space besides my shower to hide from the world and that is so impersonal. This is why trust is key to intimacy from my point of view.
- Empathy: Understanding and valuing each other’s emotions, even if they’re unspoken.
- This one, is a bit harder for me to associate with being on the receiving end. However as a giver when it comes to empathy, I am not happy if my partner (or the person I talking to no matter the relationship) is not happy. I need yes need not want, I need to comfort that person. When they are happy sometimes I get more excited then they do because for me the empathy aspect is so difficult for me to do and understand due to my mental health that when I am close enough to a person and known them long enough to give this to them. I give them every part of who I am in my heart. Even if I do not know who I am fully yet. Esmira I am starting to notice that she has this with me big time yet social ques and I are not the best combination lol.
2. Physical Intimacy
While often associated with sexuality, physical intimacy is about closeness and comfort through touch:
- Affection: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, or cuddling—acts that foster warmth and connection.
- Sexual Intimacy: A fulfilling physical bond that reflects passion, trust, and mutual desire.
- Comfort in Proximity: The ability to feel at ease and secure simply by being near each other.
- I want you to take note of this one especially just because it is where people seem to struggle including me. Sexual intimacy is an aspect of a greater intimacy.
- To me, sex is just that sex. I need the person to understand me to find intimacy in sex. Otherwise it is about as intimate as my battery operated boyfriend. (If you do not get that reference then odds are you are under 18 and should ask your parents/guardians about this one.) I need that intimacy even the one’s not mentioned YET to have sex feel intimate. Trust me, it can make finding someone hard when society is so big on instant gratification. However when you find a partner who is willing to take the time to get intimate first, hold on with both hands and do the same.
3. Intellectual Intimacy
This involves connecting on a mental level by:
- Sharing Ideas: Discussing thoughts, interests, or even debating.
- Stimulating Conversations: Feeling valued and understood for your perspectives.
- Hi again, my turn. You do NOT need to agree for this form of intimacy, in fact if all you are doing is agreeing with each other you are missing some of this very factor of intimacy. You should debate, respectfully of course, you should disagree yet understand that you might not get to the same point of view ever and that this is ok. We are not meant to be the same we are meant to compliment each other’s weaknesses and strengths and learn things together. Argue but hey, if you need to write out a promise contract that when voices start to raise you step away from the topic or go do something in different rooms. Now anger is just an example, there are many ways an argument can turn into a fight. Arguments are healthy, fights are not. Sometimes having the expectations written down can defuse a situation because you both agreed when you were calm and collected and can just refer to it when it is time to call a time out. These are not legally binding by far, however they are tools that can be useful in many situations in life no matter what they are. In this case they can mitigate a fight from getting full blown and we all have enough fights in our lives. This is a good way to choose to not have this battle. Everyone thinks different so what you may think is common sense, may not be the case in reality. Open communication is intellectual intimacy. A really good example is someone who takes time out of their day, usually every day but hey life gets in the way, and reads everything you have written and posted and give you feed back and even constructive criticism.
4. Experiential Intimacy
Building a bond through shared experiences and memories:
- Adventures: Traveling or exploring new things together.
- Daily Life: Finding joy and connection in simple, everyday routines.
- Teamwork: Facing challenges or achieving goals as a unified pair.
- Hi, up Siearra again being a smart ass. Anyway, shake shit up or things go stagnant and you end up glorified roommates who are sharing a bed and don’t care if they see each other nude and exchanging a kiss or hug as your paths cross and not really spending time together. If you are stuggling to find a way to shake things up, go see a tourist place in your own area/city. We often do not go and see these things because we see them every day however we don’t think about them. Go for a picnic in some random place, pick a place to eat based on rating that you never have eaten at before. Hell go to the park and play on the swings. Just let the kids have their time, so this one is usually better later in the day lol but costs nothing. Do something you have not done in awhile. You do this and the day to day life gets easier as does the team work.
5. Spiritual Intimacy
For some couples, sharing a sense of purpose, values, or beliefs is deeply intimate:
- Shared Growth: Encouraging each other’s personal and spiritual development.
- Aligned Values: Building a life based on common principles and aspirations.
- This one is simple yet for me the biggest. You do not need to follow the same belief system, just understand and accept that this is something different between the both of you and hell share things you loved about… going to a sweat, to mass, to the synagogue… etc you are sharing something you enjoyed not trying to convert your partner so be careful here. It is important though to share all of yourself and this guys is a big part of who you are. I am First Nations. My adoptive father can be a bit blind when it comes to things to the point of racism, ableism all the isms. That is all of us though in one way or another. We are human and we are going to fuck up. Accept it. Anyway got side tracked. My adoptive father was not the most open about anything besides Roman Catholic beliefs, yea yea yea I know it is common… but is it really? Could it be lack of knowledge? I discovered as I learned more about what resonated with me spiritually and discussed it with my grandfather; my dad’s dad, my dad would over hear at times. Eventually this turned to a bit of curiosity. It was a long process however he eventually I think realized that the two are not that different and I think he is still learning this. However he has helped me when I had no funds for fuel to get to a ceremony or sweat and other aspects of my belief system. It took him years to get to that point. However as he learned more and more he was more accepting. So for him in this case; and I think many cases, it is a lack of accurate knowledge. The base value’s are the same. So who care’s what name is used. Come one, enough with the this is the right name for that. It’s going a bit far with the political correctness. This coming from someone who is in several minorities. This though also applies to spiritual intimacy. You are sharing something that is you and you are passionate about and your partner is listening without saying “well this is what this part of the bible says” or something like that. It is more about your partner saying “Thank you for sharing that part of your day with me, it sounds like you had a good time.” In other words, respecting the damn difference in faith systems.
6. Mutual Support and Care
Intimacy thrives when partners are attuned to each other’s needs:
- Encouragement: Being each other’s cheerleader during tough and joyful times alike.
- Acts of Love: Small gestures that show care and thoughtfulness.
- Respect: Honoring each other’s individuality and boundaries.
- This my friends is where love language comes into play. Act’s of love is another way to say love language. There are apps out there that can help you learn about this part of who you are. We have covered respect in so many other areas it’s redundant to do so here. Encouragement though, we all need to do this more with ALL our relationships. Not point out that x chore wasn’t done by so and so. It’s about, hey I seen x chore wasn’t done yet, is there some way I can help with this. I have a great example of this due to my injuries. Vacuum and sweeping with a broom just create utter agony for me. So when that chore started slipping and my roommate asked why, he took it over because I couldn’t do it and we traded a chore. I was ashamed that I couldn’t do something so basic and honestly still am. It takes the support of someone who you are intimate with to help you learn to not feel guilty because something you used to be able to do you no longer can. This goes with say cleaning out the gutters. It may be to much for the one person. So grab a second ladder if the chore hasn’t been done and do it together. It is a change in routine as well so shakes life up so life does not get stagnant.
At its essence, intimacy is about showing up for one another with openness, patience, and kindness. It evolves and deepens as couples grow together, offering comfort and strength even in life’s hardest moments.
No matter if it is romantic intimacy, intimacy with a friend, sibling etc. This is the corner stone of any relationship. Not just one of these aspects but a combination of them. That is what intimacy is when you really break it down. Probably could break it down more but I don’t think I need to. I think the point has been made. So please, strengthen the bond’s with people you have, increase the value of your connections. It is true that quality is better over quantity and his is how you increase quality. Just in different ways depending on the label of the relationship there are no exceptions. Without intimacy can you even say you are friends???
As I finished typing this topic out, I realized that this may not be part of my personal journey in a traditional manner but it is part of me. The reason? I need to work better at every aspect of this with all the people in my life. Also because this may be stumbled on today or five years from now by a partnership of some kind struggling to survive and the reminder may be the key to saving what you have.
No matter how long our path’s are meant to be walked together, we meet each other for a reason even if we do not understand it. Make the most of these connections and you will have some of the best memories possible. You will be able to push past some of life’s biggest challenges and get to hear what I often do. “I love how you look at life Siearra. Your so strong and an inspiration to me.” yea I still have to get used to that one because I do not see that part of me however hearing it as often as I do, I should step back and ask myself why. One simple answer I have come to… I keep getting back up and going no matter what life throws at me, sometimes after a temper tantrum and hiding out from the world but I still get up and grab life and live it. I make my choices no one else. I can’t control others, just like I could not control the guy who hit my car and sent me off the road at highway speeds in very dangerous weather and kept going. That was his choice. My choice was in how I would handle the changes. Tips here greatly appreciated lol.
Anyway thank you for reading this and hopefully you will find it just as helpful reading it as I did writing it.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!