Why is it when your hurting that you can not sleep when that is the best thing for your body? I got a whole three hours last night. Though I tried for more that did not work out that great. Though my service dog Peace did try and help me out by snuggling up to me. By leaning against my body it grounds me. It is a task many service dog’s have for many reasons. When she is doing it and I am trying to sleep it is because my mind is going a million miles a minute. This is just one topic that was racing through my darn head. Yea it is a long one, sorry to those who like shorter posts.
You see for some autistic individuals, like myself, the brain can work like a computer running multiple programs at once, often processing a lot of information simultaneously. Even if they aren’t fully aware of all these “background thoughts,” this mental activity can create a sense of being overwhelmed or restlessness.
At night, when the world quiets down and there’s less to distract from these thoughts, they might become more noticeable, like a flood of ideas or worries surfacing all at once. This overactivity can make it difficult to “turn off” the brain and fall asleep, as their mind continues to process, analyze, and explore various things.
It’s not a universal experience, but for many, this constant stream of thought is both a challenge and a reflection of their unique way of understanding and engaging with the world that in most ways I experience it I consider it a gift. However sometimes; just like with any other thing out there it has draw backs to it. This would be one of them.
When writing this is most often a good thing. It’s caused some issues with continuity of my story that I know I will need to address with the first edit of this Blood and Moonlight book. Though it also means I am thinking of plot points in other stories for the characters within the current novel and can provide a really good set up for the next story. This though to can get to be a bit much. Just take a look around my room at the utter chaos from notes, ideas, brain storms, character profiles that I keep building up and you would get what I mean.
Every day though I get better at balancing things. Even if it is organizing one single shelf so I have all the tool kits for drawing, actual tools, leather working tools and beading tools in one place. That is one less thing to worry about because now those things have a home.
You see I have ASD and ADHD which is starting to be called AuDHD. AuDHD refers to individuals who are dually diagnosed with both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). While ASD and ADHD are distinct neurodevelopmental conditions, their overlap in AuDHD creates a unique blend of traits and challenges.
ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
- Core Traits: Difficulties with social communication, repetitive behaviors, and sensory sensitivities.
- Focus: Often hyper-focused on specific interests or routines.
- Social Interaction: May struggle with understanding social cues or forming relationships.
- Sensory Processing: Can be hypersensitive or under-sensitive to sensory input (e.g., light, sound, textures).
ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder)
- Core Traits: Inattention, impulsivity, and hyperactivity.
- Focus: Difficulty maintaining attention, but may experience “hyperfocus” on certain tasks.
- Energy Levels: Often restless, with a need for constant movement or stimulation.
- Executive Functioning: Challenges with organization, time management, and task completion.
This is where it becomes a problem for me is the fact that the two when combined fight each other to put it simple using some old notes this is the base of things in general.
AuDHD (ASD + ADHD)
- Blended Traits: Combines traits from both conditions, often amplifying their effects. For example:
- Hyperfocus from ASD may clash with ADHD’s distractibility.
- Sensory sensitivities from ASD may heighten ADHD-related restlessness.
- Social Dynamics: May experience both the social challenges of ASD and the impulsivity of ADHD, making interactions uniquely complex.
- Energy and Focus: Can oscillate between hyperactivity and intense focus, or struggle with managing both simultaneously.
- Executive Functioning: Often faces compounded difficulties with planning, organization, and emotional regulation.
In essence, AuDHD is not just a simple combination of ASD and ADHD—it creates a distinct experience that requires tailored understanding and support. Which sadly is extremely lacking. You see many women go without being diagnosed with ASD. This is because ASD has a different way of presenting with women and of course women are taught to blend in early on in life. Thankfully this detail is starting to fade. Last I checked 1/10 women with ASD get diagnosed. Often after wrong diagnoses such as bipolar (being a common one). These women are often caught in their thirties when the strain becomes to much and they have a mental break.
I got lucky because I had a friend who was shocked I didn’t know I was autistic and after alot of research and trust me when I say alot I mean medical journals, studies, others who have ASD and yea I checked every box. I was diagnosed bipolar and it never felt right. This wrong diagnosis was detrimental because it just didn’t feel right. I have since then had psychiatric professionals go yea no way your bipolar. I got caught because of the refusal of my mind to shut up for to many days which mimic a manic episode I guess. However, I always told myself I am human and I can fuck up. This also applied to my coworkers who happened to be drs in many cases. So I pushed and I pushed for years, it wasn’t until some family drama happened with my uhh mother that caused me to cut all communication with her. However the timing happened while I was at school and the Dean used to be or still was a psychological professional. He knew what to do to settle me down. Peace my service dog did as well… she has always been one step ahead of me. I am not sure who trained who with this pup lol. The next day when I came in he pulled me to the side and asked if I had heard of autism. He really broke it down and pointed out the traits he had noticed with me. He then wrote a letter for me to take to my dr advocating for a specialist in ASD to asses me.
So I got on a waiting list. There was a cancelation on what is a bad day for me with memories but a good day where I would have issues masking. I will never forget the last thing said to me… well what was meant to be the last thing lol… “Your right you are on the spectrum and have ADSD, do you recall where you parked?”. That’s right. That was what support I got. I had to push hard becaue it had only been recently changed to ASD from a few other names. Just because previous names were no longer used or really acceptable does not mean there is NOT a lot of helpful information still under those names. I land in what used to be called Asperger’s Syndrom, a name no longer used due to the source of the name. I however could not manage to push for any kind of support or even direction. Talk about sink or swim.
So I did what I do best. Research. I joined groups online and talked to others who were diagnosed and yes I firmly believe in self diagnosis with this one because it is so often missed. I learned alot. Such as using a kids toothbrush was the trick to not being adverse to brushing my teeth which not doing made me feel yuck. Now that I use a kids toothbrush I have no issue. I still struggle to this very day with issues with ASD and ADHD especially when they have some very conflicting aspects to them.
I have been trying since 2019 to find a therapist that at the very least gets ASD late diagnosis in women to help me. Yea still looking. Then I found out about the AuDHD term and lets just say we had another list with check marks next to it. It explained alot about my behaviors. We are our behaviors. It is no wonder I do not know who I am in truth, I do not get my own mind. Yes it is scientifically proven the brain is different in many ways then most which makes it even harder. We are playing guessing games when it comes to mental health because we do not understand a fraction of the brain yet. Anyone who tells you different and has a PhD, I would suggest you go the other direction.
Ultimately this means I have no supports at all, and have discovered that most who have ASD can’t find supports after 16 if they aren’t ‘sick enough’ a term I despise because there is more to me then just a bunch of letters and they interact with each other meaning I at least need someone to guide me in the right blasted direction. This though did save me from having a mental break down but only barely.
How does this apply to my journey as an author lol let’s see. Hyperfocus from ASD doe clash with ADHD’s distractibility trait. I can be sitting here on a roll and get three decent chapters drawn up at the manuscript level. Then suddenly it is time to eat and I loose all train of thought and everything catches my attention. This can set off an overload. I do not know how to mitigate this however just knowing it is there helps the impact it has on my mental health over all. For me this is normal. For me this is not some part of me that is broken. This is the part that is the hardest because through the years in not so many word, I have been told I am broken. My adoptive father would comment on how much I talked and that he could run x on it and not need batteries. Funny the first time, not so funny when it’s almost every day. Then it gets hurtful and damages the self esteem. This was because of this very combination. I would jump from topic to topic and to topic and then back to a topic when I forgot something about it. People had a hard time keeping up. I can see why now, as an adult. However you can imagine how hurtful the kids at school would be about this, and then add in both my parents were abusive towards me. I never really seen the abuse happen with my younger siblings which in a way made it even worse. The most common thought in my head was “what is wrong with me”. I still do this, however I can let people know that this happens and for them to ask for clarification when I do yet do it gently.
However this motormouth has a flip side to it as well. It is called selective mutisim. Selective mutism is when someone can’t talk in certain situations because they feel too anxious, even though they can talk in other places where they feel safe…. first how does this sound selective? It is not like I have a choice. However again because it is intermittent I can not even get funding for one of those programs to toss onto my phone for those situations. This can be flat out dangerous. I am not just referring to kink but I am refering to if I am unable to speak and I am the patient in the ER having chest pain I am going to have a hard time describing that. I am trying to learn sign however that would still need someone who can interpret. The best program for this is over $300 cdn in price. How could someone who has a very tight financial budget ever be able to get this medical tool? This can also hamper me asking friends, family, even strangers to describe an emotion to me, yea I do this randomly so I can describe it better in my books. Ask me to describe what I am feeling and that is where I run into issues. My ASD brain wants logic and yet my ADHD brain wants to go ooo shiny. Neither of which mix well with emotions. So yea people misunderstand me alot. Just because of this one single individual conflict that occurs with AuDHD.
Try learning to do this while writing a book. Yea I have a few psychology text books around here that I use to help me. Or I will go to AI and ask in this situation is it typical to feel x. Which is how I would respond if I was in my character’s shoes. Sometimes the answer is it is an uncommon response so I will ask for a list of five to ten common response and utilize that information to help my writing. To me that is not my AI doing my writing that is my AI doing the research for me and getting the detail I am looking for with a hell of alot less frustation.
Let’s mention the executive functioning conflict as it ties in well with this other conflict. I often face a lot of problems in the planning, organization, and emotional regulation departments. So writing a book takes planning right? as well as organization. These issues are actually amplified because both ADHD and ASD have this issue. So far I have yet to adapt to this issue, but I have identified it. That is a big part of the saying that I think really helps in this area, and you have probably heard from me before. Identify, Adapt, Overcome. The first two equals the last. So I am half way there. With writing the novel, well these posts that are a bit longer are my attempt to get some of the other information going on in my brain to settle down. So far it works. Thank you to the therapist that suggested blogging. I do not set a goal of being at the computer by x time of day and have x done by end of day. That sets me up for failure, however setting a goal of jotting my thoughts down at the computer is half of the equation because now I am in the spot I usually write in so it slides into that chaos in my brain nicely.
With just these aspects there are great benefits such as being able to type 3 chapters in an after noon that have decent detail. However if I get distracted by a really good book then I might only get one chapter done in a week. This means that I have to set a goal that can work with both of these. Hence the seemingly simple goal of getting up and writing my thoughts down and in a place where others can see and who knows it may help them, or a comment made could help me. Also doing it blog style helps settle that chaos and push it to the back burner. Make no mistake it is still there lol but now I can focus. However with this not always being the case I need a goal I can reach and not set myself up for failure. Hence the get online every day and say hi at the very least being my goal. It is easy but alot of thought went into what i should set as my goal in order to accomplish things I am passionate about such as writing. So in reality that goal is not so simple once you break it down.
This is just one of the many challenges I face every single day. Some days go well and others not so much. Some nights though it is a pain in the ass to not get much sleep.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!