This was the first song I hear today when I turned on Spotify. I had never heard it before, or even heard of the artist. However every word was an echo of my own thoughts. Every single word. I hide from the few people left in my life how I truly feel. To say today is one of those days where the fight with depression is overwhelming. The sense of loneliness and being a burden crushing. A time where I withdraw even more from people. Would be a massive understatment.
This song by Citizen Soldier is terrifying because I could have written this. This is my life and sadly, I know the answers to some of the questions. Let’s look at the lyrics before I get into more detail today.
“The Song That Speaks My Truth”
Tonight the monsters in my head.
Are screaming so damn loud.
But I built walls so high.
So they never even make a sound.
It’s a mask, it’s a lie.
It’s the only home I’ve ever known.
‘Cause being who I really am.
Has only left me more alone.
I am not okay.
I need you to see it.
I have so much to say.
And no one to hear it.
The reason I keep quiet.
With so much at stake.
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me.
You’ll never understand.
Why it’s so hard to say.
I am not okay.
I wish I had a scar.
Had a bruise on the surgace, any kind of proof.
That everything I feel is more then just some sad excuse.
My life’s invisible abuse.
I’m either judged or have to hide.
The only symptom you can see.
Is I don’t wanna be alive.
I am not okay. and i need you to see it.
I have so much to say.
And no one to hear it.
The reason I keep quiet.
With so much at stake.
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me.
You’ll never understand.
Why it’s so hard to say.
I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell.
But what if it kills me.
If I want to keep it to myself?
To myself.
I am not okay.
And I need you to see it.
I have so much to say.
And no one to hear it.
I am not okay.
I am not okay.
I’m never safe.
It’s not a phase.
If I finally break.
Would you still stay.
Tonight the monsters in my head.
Are screaming so damn loud.
The Struggles We Hide
It is human nature to avoid things that are not pleasant. That is my entire life so I hide it behind a mask and being an autistic I am even better at masking this then I safely should be able to.
It took me a long time to realize I was the common denominator with people increasing distance and even utterly walking away. Yea friends and family are meant to be there for the bad and the good, however that gets hard when it is mostly bad.
I try to damn hard to come off as strong, joyful, and hope filled person. I share the heck out of the small good things that happen in my life. I hold in the yuck and let it out in the shower. I am ashamed to feel like this, yea we have mental health awareness and all that crap. However where do we see a change? I am numb, I am paralyzed, I am cold stuck out in the cold, ashamed of being me, where is the real me? I am scared to live but I am scared to die. Though in truth how can I live when I barely survive? I refuse to give into the other because I am not the reason for feeling like this, it is something beyond my control that is forced on me because of a car accident and a government that truly does not care about the most vulnerable citizens. To the point I do not feel like I am a citizen. This breaks my heart because I am damn proud to be a Canadian.
Yes I have struggled with depression to the point I used to be a cutter. Ever since I was a teen. However this does not mean I should not have this made worse by those who are supposed to be my family, those who are supposed to be my friends, let alone my own government. Yet these are the facts, facts I have to face every single day.
Here though, with these posts, I do not feel quite so alone or unheard even if I will not use my legal name but a pen name. The pen name was originally just for the style of writing I lean towards that would scandalize my family then it became a way for me to be heard. From childhood trauma to each day as I face it. It also is a way for people to see, things are not okay by far because if a song has hit my life word for word, how many others feel this way for this to be seen so clearly by a song? How many other invisible people do we not see because we only see the mask they show? Why does this even happen? yea it is easy to blame mental health and chemical imbalances, however that is only a single individual part of that equation. I can be in a crowd (which has never been a place I enjoy thanks to how much sensory input there is from that) and I feel lonely and invisible. The days though that scare the living day lights out of me? Those days are when the questions go more to “would I even be missed” “how long till people even noticed”. Those are the days that I know I need to retreat and lose the battle so that I can win the war. The war against my own damn mind.
I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have that core that is to stubborn to give in to those thoughts. I have the core that keeps me fighting for better because I know I deserve better. So the real bad days I hide. Today I am choosing not to and to put it into words what is going on. It get’s it said at the very least even if it does not stop the tears burning my eyes today. Yes there are many things in my mental and physical health that make things very hard, some days though, certain things just push to the forefront even when we would wish differently.
“Today, I choose to write, to unmask, and to fight another day. If you feel the same, know you’re not alone in your battle.”
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!