Today, my thoughts wandered through some interesting reflections on my experiences with individuals seeking my help with various issues, particularly emotional ones. Long-term relationships that we thought would last forever—whether familial, platonic, or romantic—often lead us to overlook crucial aspects. When these overlooked issues come to light, accepting the reality can be challenging. The adage “love is blind” exists for a reason; it serves as a difficult lesson typically learned after experiencing significant emotional pain. And let’s be honest, sometimes love is not just blind, but also deaf and a little bit dumb.
Different actions, or the lack thereof, may take a lot of time to become fully apparent. Once this realization occurs, whether early on or much later, it can result in an ongoing emotional struggle that is often painful, as one comes to terms with a broken heart. This pain can feel profoundly piercing, compounded by promises and commitments made to one another. Some actions may take considerable time to realize and admit, further complicating the process of emotional acceptance and the healing process. It’s like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube while blindfolded—frustrating and seemingly impossible.
When do you determine that instead of growing closer, you have grown apart? How do you cease blaming yourself, even when it is evident the other person is at fault? Essentially, this refers to the ‘what if game’ which we often play with ourselves. It is one of the most distressing games we engage in, causing pain—sometimes minor, sometimes it is like talons piercing your heart, and other times so intense that it feels as though our heart will cease to function from the emotional anguish, prompting us to instinctively withdraw from any form of pain, similar to recoiling from something hot. It is human nature to try and avoid pain. And let’s face it, the ‘what if game’ is one game nobody ever wins.
Many questions in relationships are difficult to confront. These questions persist in your mind, yet you hesitate to address them because deep down, you are aware of the answers. It is not about the questions themselves, but the avoidance of them indicates that it is time to acknowledge things are not progressing well and assess the severity of the situation. Decide whether counseling is a viable option or if it is time to part ways or somewhere in between. Often this means finding someone close that you trust to talk to in whatever way is needed about what is going on. Just let it come out. Think of it as emotional spring cleaning—out with the old, in with the new.
I realized I’m helping about six or seven people through this very thing. How do I know what to do? I think it is because I understand relationships going south way too well. I know what you do to yourself and how you need different things at different points in these situations. I have sadly been there.
Each of these people are at different stages and are different individuals, so it comes down to active listening to try to use an educated guess as to what is likely needed. Some just need a nudge and support to say, “Hey, we need to talk. We need to work on some things that have been heavy on my mind, not because they bother me, but because I love you.” Or the support to find the words they need to use and have the confidence that they are doing the right thing for them.
Sometimes, when it’s helping them find a way to approach their partner based on what’s going on, where to start is a good one that can need help depending on how many factors are in play and how long things have been going sideways, so a sounding board. Others need help to move past what’s happening enough to be able to see what is going on sometimes with a simple, “I am here, just let it all out, this is a safe place and what is said stays between you and I.”
They need someone to talk to until they can no longer deny it’s time to make a change because they feel supported, cared for, and no longer alone. It can take time, remember a good friend is there especially in the bad times. If someone is coming to you with anything like this, they are trusting you at a very deep level with something that has made them very vulnerable already. It’s like being handed a fragile piece of glass—handle with care.
It’s not about guiding them to see what stage they’re at; it’s about being there for them in the capacity they need, not the capacity you want to help in. Do they need a place to vent, a safe place to talk about everything so they can admit to themselves? Not a place where advice is given, but a place where they feel heard, safe, and validated.
I find myself thinking about this because I was curious why so many people come to me, not just these seven but others as well, when their life is imploding. I realized the common denominator is that I make it all about them and let them guide me to what they need, even if they don’t realize it. Often, this is the best way to get guided because it means your help, whatever form it takes, will have a better impact.
If advice is wanted, there will be some sort of question at points. If not, and they are just going over things, sometimes a few times, that are hurting, this is the first time it’s being said aloud even to them. That’s when I say, “I hear you, my heart breaks for you going through this, you need to get out, let’s go.” Support, not advice, because they aren’t at that stage yet; they are in a form of denial.
Remember, when someone comes to you with their problems, they are placing a huge amount of trust in you. They are at their most vulnerable, and it’s important to handle their feelings with care and respect. Your role is to provide a safe space where they feel heard and supported, without judgment or unsolicited advice. This trust is a precious gift, and being there for them in their time of need can make a significant difference in their healing process. Think of yourself as an emotional first responder—minus the sirens and flashing lights.
Sometimes people want to see my view on things because it’s different at times. Pointing out that materialism isn’t just about items but sometimes about a way of life they hold as important. Sometimes it’s more subtle, and I tell them a story from First Nations teachings or some other random story that relates but isn’t obvious. I see their pain, I know their pain. I was there and go on what I wish I had at different points when I felt the most chaotic in my brain as a starting point till they have guided me to their unique need at the time.
There are other times when it’s helping a person through the aftereffects. A good example is a couple of my friends helping me with self-esteem issues from my narcissistic mother. It’s not always about the people who have made vows to each other to be there no matter what until death do you part. Those are the most obvious ones. The other ones, though, until today, I didn’t realize what I was doing instinctively, I follow my heart and let instinct guide me to help me find the right words. The impact of any long-term commitment going sideways can be deep and very subtle even. They need you even more now so they can get reassurance that they did the right thing.
I also didn’t realize that some of these things have sunk into character development in different characters. This led me to look closer at each of my characters and see that some had traits distinctive to certain people in my life. No, the character isn’t based on those people, but the core traits developed before I expanded on them. I realized some of the locations were based on places I long to go to or have had people visit and send photos from. It’s amazing how, when you look really close, you can see how your entire life makes tiny peeks through your writing without even realizing it. Sometimes those villains even get those traits, usually of who I’m having issues with at the time, and sometimes even hints of the issue. It’s never obvious, and no one but me would see this pattern because it comes from my own unique responses to things and the way I view things. I then started thinking about other books I’ve read and how you can see minor hints in the locations if you look up the author or know from the bio where they are located or were.
This very trait is what makes a book great when written by a human and why AI cannot write something as emotionally connecting. The AI hasn’t felt it or thought about things like that and how they would react or what they would want. These are things unique to us. This made me understand even better why AI isn’t used by authors, especially once I read one. It’s not just because of the many factors about where the content comes from and how it can be something close to another writing. It’s because it lacks depth. It also makes it a really bad listener as well.
It’s always interesting to see where the mind goes with one thought, and with me, how random those leaps can be rather amusing. Yet, I’m glad it occurred to me. I figure if I get myself better, then my writing will be better because I understand the inspiration that turned into something utterly unexpected. Just like I understand myself a little bit more because I understand why people come to me. This applies to relationships as well. When you get to the point of knowing the source of things, you can start processing things better, and the chaos starts to turn to order. Sometimes even a roadmap gets included if you take it. It really makes me wonder what other things have in common that seem to be utterly different.
What are some ways you find helpful when helping out someone close to you struggling? What are some ways you find helpful when your the one struggling?
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!