What does freedom mean to you?
This answer should not be able to be a story that exists. This is not what I want my page to show, however I have shared dark things before, this is just far longer, far darker, far more gut wrenching and no detail held back. I did not sugar coat anything, it was not easy to write. It took me from when I woke up on Mother’s day till well now; the next day well into the afternoon to write then another how to hit publish. This paragraph was added right after, it is unedited because it hurts to much to read it because I lived it and still live it to often thanks to PTSD. We want the world to be sunny and a paradise when the truth is it is dark, barren, and filled with storms. I rather the truth then pretty lies, how about you?
This is what comes to me every Mother’s Day, however I did not want to post it on Mother’s Day even if it had been ready. I just finished writing this story now. It will take an hour to read so if you read it be ready for a long read. It is not a good read, it is the truth and the truth is ugly and makes us want to run from it, pretend it does not exist. Trust me I have tried to pretend it is not the case, is not the nightmare it is adding to the problem not helping fix it. I can not deny it any longer it does to much harm.
We have tried to pretend it does not exist, is a one off, is exaggerated, yet there are to many for that to be the case. We see it in many other cases as a society and race. It has never gone well. We have due to this refusal to face the ugly as fuck truth even when so many scream it out to everyone they can. We do not listen the results are throughout all of history…. WWI WWII, well most wars to be honest, we have slavery, we have witch trials of Salem, we have Residential Schools, we have death because of this refusal.
Maybe these would stop being possible if we stood up sooner and said enough. Maybe not exist in the first place today if we had stood up. Maybe there would not be so much blood on our hands if we stopped and acted instead of saying oh someone else will deal with it. Thing is this is called the bystander effect, everyone thinks this when it is ‘obvious’ like this resulting in nothing being done. This is what happens when someone is screaming next door for help and no one comes because oh someone else will call the police, this is what happens when we are at accident scenes with so many phones and no sirens in the distance, this is what happens when we oogle but do not want to get involved because someone else must have. Never assume this, it is deadly in any situation, most front line responders, cops, fire personal, medics… would rather respond to something that just ends up being nothing a hundred times then not be there when needed just once. Those who do not, well frankly they should not wear the uniforms, they should not take the oaths they do, they do not deserve to be called front line responders. Everyone I have worked with while being a front line responder, or randomly this is usually the answer 9/10 times. That 1/10 person well, they should be doing anything else that does not have lives on the line or in their hands.
Let’s not let the bystander effect happen again in any situation, let alone with what I have shared with you below. I stated when I first started writing this that this is not for the faint of heart, it is long, it is something you will need kleenex for, it is something you will want to turn away from. It can trigger some and yet even being one who needs the trigger warnings I urge you to read on because you suffer due to the bystander effect to. Time to share your stories. I do have a section in my website that is waiting for your story. If you do not want your name given, if you want me to go through and make sure identifying aspects are gone I am willing. Tell your story say it with your name or not just don’t stay silent. Your story deserves to be told to, you are a survivor of stuff that should not exist, these stories should not be possible yet are all to common. Read and share not just my story but others you come across that make you want to run from the truth or say… someone else will call. Not calling costs lives.
Freedom for me means a world where I can exist unapologetically. No masks, no hiding from the judgments of society, no labels that try to tell me who I am based on a diagnosis or a condition let alone race. The weight of feeling broken by circumstances beyond my control is something I’ve carried for years. It’s a burden made heavier by how difference in people is treated society. This is not a light and easy post to write about, it is not one where humor finds a place. It is a message and sadly my story continues to this day. Freedom means something different here is my story and my answer to this question, a story that should not exist. Society standards on normal can go fuck it’s self comes from this, I tried to take the right steps and well it wasn’t enough, still isn’t so I refuse to stay silent any more.
Freedom shouldn’t be the ability to be who we are because of physical differences. We all bleed red. Simple as that. Yet stories like I will share with you would not exist. So yes this is a long ass post however it is something that you will be sick at the more you read. It is not something you should turn from though. I am a survivor, I was told this years ago by others who are as well and it took me this long to share my story and accept that truth. This is what I am reminded of every single mother’s day. What is worse is that it is not uncommon besides the specific details that are personal the rest though….. well you see the length of the post you will see the common denominator very fast. I beg you to keep reading even if it takes a number of days or weeks to get through. I know how much it hurts to read stories like this in far less detail. I also know the pain of writing this, this is what mother’s day has become for me. A reminder of pain that shouldn’t exist. I suggest kleenex some of you will need it. Normally I would give more of an obvious trigger warning. Today I will not make it glaring red or have details. Today it is right here only. This is the only warning that will be given that this is dark as hell. Thing is, it shouldn’t exist. Never should have been possible let alone still be a story that keeps starting every day for so many.
I find solace here. This site is my refuge, a space where I can be myself even if it’s behind a screen. A place where I can write freely, using a pen name and AI-crafted photos to keep myself safe never claiming my own art as it would identify me if I made it easy for those who would harm me and from society. Wait what? Back up safety? Well the word safety lingered in my mind the first time I thought about freedom. It’s ironic, isn’t it, to feel free while hiding parts of who I am? I’ve wondered what it would be like not to have to hide, to show my true self without fear of judgment or harm yet I know that is not possible however I choose not to let it silence and fear in other areas besides the fear of those who would not want light shone at all let alone this publicly, especially my own parents. While I may fear other’s that is the main reason I have to hide my identity so thoroughly and always will because this site is going no where if I have any say in it.
The choice to use a pen name is not just about me. Some things I’ve experienced, some stories I recall and share, they wouldn’t sit well with certain family members. My parents abused me. There’s no uncomplicated way to say it. One of them went to extreme lengths to keep my first child away from me. That pain, the loss of my first child, remains sharp. I wasn’t a mother who had lost everything, not legally, but I had no clue I was a young mother and fighting things I did not know were part of me that would have helped me, I faced barriers that others put in my way that were lies and deceit which I would not find out about till to late far to late, then trusting others who I should be able to but honestly should never have however this knowledge came to me while fighting for my second child’s life, then even more knowledge about how bad I had been screwed over well? That is a story I share in part today with you. My son taken by my own mother and aunt, and a corrupt system that we call CPS and the attempt to take my second child, my daughter who would later pass away.
You see when my second child fell ill, I documented her journey every day on social media. That transparency drew attention I hadn’t expected to save me from the worst pain even worse then having your child just pass away but to have them taken away and then pass away. This documenting due to having a large family and not wanting to make hundreds of calls and pick who to call first this was easiest then I decided to make it public. Our story may not have a good ending with my daughter, but I know damn well it could have been even more devastating. Yet I was no longer the young, native mother who didn’t know better. I saw just how the system called CPS; a system that were supposed to help me, really was. The residential schools only got a facelift. They became better at hiding reality. The statistics of children in care racially show a grim picture. Looking at them, it’s impossible not to see the disparities, the racial injustices that persist and even years later it still makes me want to hurl. Especially since the truth has once again been hidden and people are being complicit yet again when people are screaming about this.
My son was taken from me because my mother called CPS because I would not let her take him after a couple years of not stopping in even though she came to the city I moved to a few times a month for a booty call. My son did not know her, he was wiser then I was and would not even go near her. You see my place was a mess, I was working 12 plus hours a day. You see the medical staff crisis is real because more often then not it was over the 12 hour mark well over it. Double shifts when they are 12 hour shifts suck. I did it though, I loved my work but that wasn’t why I did it, it was to provide for my son who had gone with me through the last couple years of high school. Yea that young of a mother. One who took responsibility and not the easy way out by letting my aunt raise him while I went and enjoyed life. Yes those were the exact same words used before and after his birth, the reason I moved to a different city.
The guy I was with while great with my child was one who did hide behind his disability and used it as an excuse not a reason. I know the difference very well… now. He was caring for my child and playing video games and I would go to work for long hard shifts in a long term care facility. He was supposed to be the guy I was madly in love with and engaged to. Instead he was a nightmare I did not realize was a nightmare till to late. When I got home I would do the dishes, tidy the place which my son loved to ‘help’ with which when they are under four isn’t a help when not guided and done along side them usually makes things worse. This day she came by, the woman who is supposed to be safe for me, supposed to love me, instead was horrid and it would take a good year for me to find out she was the source of the call which explained the timing. Right after she left by an hour, what the fuck did she tell them? Damned if I know but it caused an immediate check.
By this point though I was done with the guy I was with and leaving it all up to me. I may have been working with the elderly with dementia or illnesses that made the sort of care needed that was this places specialty. High medical care to say the least with how many LPNs and RNs were needed. They though lost in time had some neat things to say, and could see what I didn’t want others to see and therefor did not see. They seen through things with this uncanny ability that initially made me leery because they would hit the nail on the head especially the mothers. I had learned to not take this and he had not changed at all and stepped up to some of the responsibilities of being a stay at home parent, yea a step-dad but that is what comes with getting together with a person who has a child. You get a family the way I see it, others do not as we all know.
I had gotten home and my mother arrived about the same time. She came up and met the mess I met at the same time, garbages were filled with new bags there was no doubt there. Ones that would be filled right back up because my son, bless his heart, had tried to help mom so she got more then a nap between shifts and actually got to go to bed only on days off. This would not due in his mind and it was so sweet, my mother even put on a face of agreeing, then offered to take my son while I got things sorted out. I was having a talk with this piece of work in my life when child services showed up and seen the mess and suggested I let them put my son with a family member while I got the place cleaned up or they would come back with a court order. Young and dumb I agreed, things can get nasty when kicking someone like this out of your life and I wanted him safe should this go that way.
He actually did help me clean up, I think he had a little bit of a idea that crossing me then would not be a good thing as he was the cause this was even happening. Even later when I found out the truth he was still the cause because I can’t clean when I am at work, can’t be in two places at once. Child services came to check the place out and went with some song and dance of keeping it this way and I could get my son back. This did not end well for the worker, no I did not yell at him, cuss him out or anything like that, I asked why they would not bring my child home. I asked this every time. I had no way to get to my son, I did not drive, and a place an hour away by car is not a place I could walk to let alone return with my child from on foot let alone in two or three days.
The third check to see if my home was clean and healthy food in the fridge I was getting mad. I was being more stubborn about knowing why and not backing down for longer and longer. This visit though was right after my shift, a surprise visit. The guy I was with had left the dishes all over the place and had raided the fridge because of the famous weed induced munchies. He would get high when I wasn’t home and I got back early.
When I was told off by the worker I didn’t think I had a leg to stand on. I was 22-24 and working with what I knew which did not match the truth. I had only just started to get to know my biological father’s side, so of course I had not heard the horror stories all to familiar and all to often that I would hear later. I was trying my best with what knowledge I had. After all you work with child services or you never get your kid back is there no matter race just worse for natives. So finding out he had done this did not go over well as I had been told if I passed this one I would get my child back yet each time there was always some sort of unacceptable issue. Turn out it was because I was native, the truth is there if you look, or even read this story in full.
I turn to the guy I was with about an hour after the worker was left. I was to mad to deal with it immediately with any idea of a civil tongue in my head. It got bad real bad that day when I told him to leave. He used his disability to excuse his yelling and screaming. Eventually I was riled up again and stepped away. I knew my big brother would have some ideas, after all five younger sisters would have given him some idea. So I called him, he was livid and after he got me calmed and himself down well so I thought. He asked me to hand the phone to the guy in question. I did so and went to my son’s room on the other side of the apartment to cry.
I didn’t need to hear the words to know my brother lost it about ten minutes later on the guy no clue why as I never asked to this day, yet I could hear him and if I had not been so lost in the pain I probably could have made out what he was saying. The phone was brought back to me and one hell of an apology which was an act I would find out the next day. I talked with my brother who made it clear to call him if anything happened even the guy yelling at me. My bother had no sense of humour with this behavior at all. Let alone when he found out he had more younger sisters as he had been adopted by one of my aunts in my family as a baby. We found out later that we had a brother; before I left home.
I accepted the apology but he was still going to be leaving, he just didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize it would happen the way it did though either. I got home from work the next day and while this guy was a lazy ass he had never been physically abusive or verbally. This changed to great degrees. I was grateful my son was not there that day, I took off with very little. My grandparents helped me load what we could fit and drive 45 minutes away to a new job and a new place I had found in yet another city. I took what I could get that short notice, so it was a room and board thing, not where I would bring my son to. It would take just over a year before I was in a position to bring my son home, there were no more checks nothing that I had to go through. My aunt was supposed to bring him home, what I didn’t know it it was a temporary kinship agreement that was in place. In other words, while these guys were jerking me around in the other city the agreement had long expired and should have brought him home. I also did not realize it should be the local office handling it with me, not the other city’s workers kinda like jurisdiction as best description here.
They would play me for years until they eventually one day went, well he is with your aunt till you get it together and grow up. Yea that went over so well, I had at this point moved to yet another city and was told I had to go and get him myself as they would not drive that far with my child to return him.
I had no clue what was going on, I had no clue this worker was not actually working with cps any longer either. My aunt was supposed to bring him to me and she never did, they would provide her gas I was told. So for now the fact she stole my son long before would remain unknown. The city I was in though was when I started to wise up with the help of the new friends I had made who told me to call the local CPS office specifically the Indigenous branch in this city, I was in the capital city so there were things I was not aware of that existed. I found out then that there was NO FILE at all on my son. I was beyond livid.
My own dad who brought me to my aunt’s after both him and my mom convinced me to let him go to his paternal grandparents until the end of the school year and they would take turns bringing him to me, as I had been kept from him all this time. Not a single visit. Looking back I can see so many indications of what was going on yet I was starting to loose hope. Now it was his paternal grandparents who were taking him from me, I was told if I moved back to their city, both my parents and his paternal grandparents they would do this. They had decided it was to far to drive to and from. Two hours one way to me seemed really long as I still didn’t drive. So I packed up once again.
My dad and next oldest sister the one who has been written about in the past in one hell of a good light because while blood doesn’t make a person family she was not only blood but a sister in all definition of the word. They went to the place I had found, I had found a job. It was a rent to own home that a friend of mine reached out to the owners to set up things with their friends in my original city and set it up so my dad and sister could look at the place and put me in contact with them. It was a rent to own with amazing prices, I had a new guy in my life that was going to drive to see me and did often. We were so happy together, he had helped me through the darker nights when memories would haunt me the worst, didn’t matter what time or how long it took he would stay on the phone with me. Sometimes we would even sleep with the line open.
I got there and the promised visits that was agreed on when I went to his paternal grandparents with my dad did not happen. I had taken my son from my aunt and brought him to them. Trusted again someone I should not, I can’t really take blame for not knowing with CPS I know this and do not. I only wish I had realized far sooner or made a call sooner to someone outside of my own damn parents. I was getting calls every night, both me and my son thought we were going to be reunited. The visits never happened and I planed with my partner who had just moved four hours to live with me to go and pick him up that summer. My son was so happy at his school, though given his father had no rights I wonder what was done for the parent guardian aspect of school. His paternal grandparents lived 45 minutes away yet work and religious things and so much took them to my city that they called it a second home.
Eventually the calls would slow down and stop before summer came by. My calls went unanswered and my mother, yes her again, had told me that I can’t ask the authorities for help because by legal definition I had abandoned him. You would have thought I would have learned, I had long ago found out she was the one who made the call. Maybe 6 months later with her so sorry and didn’t think would happen bs that I took at face value. This is were my ASD not being diagnosed was a glaring point of if I had known this wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have take the apology and likely she would have been out of my life. Which is exactly what happened before I got diagnosed. With a cease and desist letter to her from my lawyer… well my best friend who was a lawyer, she did not know this though. Still doesn’t know of this friend no one in my family does and it will stay that way.
However before I figured out that I was very much not seeing between the lines, and was not seeing all the signs truly as they were. That would happened later after more hell. My son was getting into trouble at school, I was getting calls from them as I was the parent in the province. Never once did it cross my mind that my signature had probably been faked they wouldn’t know they just needed it, never once did I realize I would have been notified later that his father’s rights had not been reinstated, this came only a few years ago, after my daughter passed. So when I went out there the first two times to see my son, when he called me asking for help, I had friends who drove I found a way. Them getting me to move back to my home city that I grew up in was a big mistake on their part as they would learn. However I had not learned of the vipers in my life posing as my parents, I still trusted them. The third call would take a few years to happen that would have him asking for me to come get him.
The third call I got was a parent’s worst nightmare, the cops from the city he was in contacted me. His grandparents had tossed him out because he had hit his grandmother and attacked his grandfather when he got back and tried to discipline him. That’s what I was told, I never believed it was without cause if it had happened. He wouldn’t tell them why though. One in the morning the call came in, by three am I was out there and had my son home. Yet the child abandonment charge was still over my head, the fear that this would happen caused me to ask my own dad to take in my son so we could build a relationship up slowly over a few months because he had been seeing my dad every damn month, yea my dad caught an ear full. However I had not learned to be a meek mouse when it came to him and a fool with my mother.
So not having seen my son besides to be there when he called any time he called and to find a way to get to him when he needed me badly aside I had no relationship with him, besides the visit at holidays with my family, I went for years just because this was when I would see him and then recently the few times he was brought to the hospital to see his sister. I was starting to wise up and my parents knew it so the weapon of choice turned to… let him stay till you can be home and not with your daughter in the hospital. With how ill she was, no immune system, a couple heart surgeries, bone marrow tests every few months which would need her to go into surgery and so much more I agreed.
I wasn’t happy but I had stopped running at the wall that wasn’t going away, eventually you learn to stop hitting the brick wall with your head. At least the brick wall that was fake that is. My son though would end up with a third aunt from this story, the youngest and one I did not know had multiple personality disorder until a year later. He was so happy with my cousins who were close to him in age by only a year or two on either side of him. He had been so well behaved when he went there. I was not being told the truth that this was not the case, I was getting smoke blown up my ass and to this day still makes me burn with a cold barely banked fury. I may have forgiven these people in my life however I will never forget what they did to me and would do to my son.
Apparently my aunt had enough and my mother took him, I was NOT aware of this at all. My mother and the youngest sister who was turning to be worse then my mother if you can believe it were taking care of him yea, but making him do chores that he should not be. He was being made to do all the work. It was not until my mother went to CPS and said she could not take care of him anymore… yea these jokers again. I was still not wise to my dad, my mother would not come out of this without a scratch so to speak. She had asked them to wait till Monday so she could talk to me over the weekend. Ya she thought they would do that, with the ONLY custodial parent? She can be pretty idiotic with being a narssisst and this is one glaring neon sign of this because she can’t believe anyone wouldn’t fall for her act. I had been wising up and standing my ground with her more and more.
I got the call middle of school from cps and was so gutted that I went into overload and meltdown with someone who would spot it for what it was and get the ball rolling for me to get diagnosed by someone who was still licenced and didn’t go through a midlife crisis and change professions. So I knew a couple months later when I was struggling to try and go back to school, I had a practical test to do and that was it, my first of a two year program would be done. I couldn’t work in the medical field at that time and didn’t think I would ever again till it occurred to me to become a massage therapist for athletes which takes an extra year as these are the massage therapists that work with physiotherapists in their offices as well. So a fair bit of schooling, far enough from everything I went through and yet still helping people.
I never did return, the accident seen to that very definitively. Once I had come out from under the desk and made it to my car where I would meltdown again this time into what I was more familiar with and didn’t recognize wasn’t normal. I just through I was insanely tired and took a nap in my car with my service dog who was trained to bark her head off at anyone who came near my car. I had been told my son did not want to see me a year and a half before this call.
When I was able to actually function and drive, I went for a long drive, just in circles on the highway, half our then take a over pass and go the other way and repeat. An hour later I was calm enough to call my mother, I had already learned by now the car was soothing to me big time. Didn’t know it was a stim and still is. I called her and asked her how her day was going on her work line, I asked after a bit of small talk, at this point my voice must have given me away when I asked “Do you have anything you would like to tell me?” You see my anger doesn’t burn hot like it did when I was a kid, it was a cold calculating furry that burned as red hot furry only my mind would race over what I could do. What would do what. My brain going like it always had and is part of my ASD I found out later.
She went no and I said “I got a very interesting call at school today” and left it hanging to which she had the gall to go ‘They went supposed to call you till Monday after I talked to you over the weekend’. Oh that went over so well, about as well as a stone trying to fly over and ocean. Not well at all. I had already known this call would end in me cutting her from my life. She had been told more then enough times that I was done with the bs. Probably why I had not found out she had my son for six months. My voice would purr the rest of the call as I was nice with her until the last sentence, I let her think she could play me. I finally knew what she was by then and was pulling back and had been since my daughter had fallen ill. I told her to never contact me again, that she no longer is my mother and never was as a mother doesn’t do this. She hung up on me.
Then the text messages started that evening, I only put up with the crap for about a week, I didn’t respond she would never and has never heard my voice again. My youngest sister would follow a few years later to this to toxic blood or not and crossed lines family doesn’t cross. I knew this would not stop would go from the pleading to anger over and over until I did more, all my siblings had cut contact with her by this point besides the youngest girl. She would message them like this and then stop and then start up again on a special day. I wasn’t going for it. I got my friend to do up a cease and desist letter, they wrote it up as pro bono so they could use the letter head. I sent it via text and registered mail, she never did message again. Guess she realized it would not be a good thing for the cops to catch wind of this.
You see, when I got a call from cps that my son was going to B.C where his father lived I had no choice. He was in foster care, and I found it out that day. As I would start digging into things I would find out the following and more would apply to all individuals involved before CPS and would bring light to them they would not want either: Child endangerment, custodial parent influence, reckless endangerment of a child, kidnapping for my mother and sister.. the list goes on and in canada most laws are written that you break one you are likely breaking three not one, so there were two additional chargers on top of that which would stick.
CPS put my son back with his father after denying the court order I had sent a copy of many times to them saying the rights were removed permanently and a permanent restraining order was in place. I got snowed by them again, I wasn’t the most clear headed yet. My best friend was going to take care of him so I could have him close and still be able to recover from losing my daughter. It wasn’t long before he was back with CPS and it would take twice in the next three to cause them to take my son from him and his other son. Permenantly given there was a CPS history on record with his father which said they could take both kids. My son’s brother ended up with his paternal grandparents the first round, they returned my son because he was in foster care, his paternal grandparents wouldn’t take him, my dad was not going to either it was to much for him, and well my mother was out given what she pulled.
They did try and get her and I in the same room a couple times and I laughed at them and went, for the first time since I moved in with my son’s father and then left and needed to be placed in a safe house with my son who wasn’t a year old yet we agree in this. She goes no where near our son. You do I will call my lawyer and find out what my options are, especially given what I know now. By this point I had learned they could be charged as well, at least the one’s involved in the beginning and thus the alberta CPS and would set one hell of a light on them that they would not want. I was vague enough to not threaten anything more then to call a lawyer, I didn’t want to use the ace up my sleeve if I did not need to. It would take time but some of these charges do not have a statue of limitations on them, and the ones that had become active again for the same time when the victim aka my son came of age.
I had also been in contact with my son who was there for holidays just before and I found out about the paternal grandparents abusing him and badly and no one listening or even looking because they were upstanding members of the community and were so involved with their church… I am going to puke if I keep on that line. However it was bad, I also found out about what his father had been doing to him, he was the live in child care and punching bag who would find his father’s drugs (this one I found out a year and a half ago), the rest that I found out was sickening.
I was in no position to take my son home; none, I was trying to learn how to live again and if I was so out of it when not at school or work to need to learn how to function fully again, I knew I would be selfish to take my son in. I wanted to so badly and it broke me, so my son ended up with my dad again. I still didn’t know what my son’s paternal grandparents had done, so these guys were forced on my son a weekend a month and a week in the summer with them. I would find out when CPS took him from my dad later because he couldn’t handle it. My son was acting out now, he had been through hell and never told anyone about it. Never told anyone he had not gotten medical care, had not gone to the eye doctor, had no had a teeth cleaning etc. He was to young to be told why his father had his rights stripped and those who knew well we have demonstrated already that they were out of line to put it mildly.
You see CPS only stepped in and took my son from his father when he outright assaulted my son by curb stomping him and more. My son could hold his own by this point, we were in contact, infrequent but in contact. He would get a hold of me when things were bad, he didn’t share enough until he was 17 for me to have done anything and by then he was with CPS and in a different province because … get this one… I had to pay to have my son returned home to me… yea. Utter bullshit isn’t it? It is the truth, every word so far, every gut punch, every single word. I have only removed names and identifying information with anything closer then the province boarder, which also broke the law I would find out when he was 17, my rights were still fully in place, had never been taken. I could have still drove there and picked my child up and taken him home.
My son was not even 16 and had gone through all of this, some he did not and does not know. Those things have not been mentioned here as they are a different story. His father and me had an…. Interesting… relationship that is long though not as long as this one. Let’s just say I was stuck in the cycle of about until we were put in a safe house, a cycle that was repeated with the next guy I got with, I have mentioned that one already. Never did hear from him after he broke my wrist and finger on my right hand. Yea my brother was so happy when he found out that detail recently and why I left. Eleven years of hell with just trying to get my son home to me, and three years of that where I could take care of my daughter and yet could not have my son back. That was the ace that I would pull later.
My son got lucky and got placed with a couple where the guy was in the military and my son dreamed of being in the military, he was happy. I did not know something till a year and a half ago that would have changed this one. He was so happy, they were giving him what he needed and I had just been in an accident that took so much from me physically. I left him there after I asked him if that was what he wanted or if he wanted to come home. If he said come home there would have been no stopping me from getting my son. He knew it to apparently.
When he was 17 he wanted out of there. I do not know what changed, I get the feeling now that I think about it that it has to do with his girlfriend of a couple years by then and now is close to 7 years wow. Ok that took a moment to wrap my head about. He had met her when he first moved to BC so he called me. He had talked to a social worker in the native friendship center there and got smoke blown up his ass about some stuff, I do not think this social worker knew a few things that were needed were not in place. My own status, something I should have legally and yet still do not and I have been fighting a long time now for that one, before my son was taken away from me. What would come out of his mouth would floor me.
“Mom, first I want to change my last name to yours I don’t want my dad’s last name or anything to do with my sperm donor or his family except for my brother.” Oh to say I was shocked is an understatement. What came next took control to not show how much it shook me and would make me cry for hours after. “Mom I want to be able to live on my own here, I can still be legally an adult but child services needs you to sign over your rights” I am surprised I managed to maintain control at this point and not reveal to him that I had no clue about having custody. He was doing well, had pulled his pants up and was finding himself. I told him I would if that was what he wanted and didn’t want to come home…. Screw those who did not want him here with me alone cause he was concerned I would be hurt, I was back to myself enough to have seen through even my dad even if I have not yet tossed him into the same bin as my mother and sister, he will join them one day never doubt that. Right now it is not something I can do without a lot of negative blow back worse then what he does. I say no now and stand up for myself a hell of a lot more. He can still manipulate me but I see it and permit it… but I see it and he does not know this yet. Soon as I can cut him out he will be and the two siblings who are younger then me stand behind my choice even if they do not need to take the same steps.
It was decided with this call made to me by my son. I told him I would but that child services would need to give into a few things for me. You see my son is autistic and they refused to get him tested, testing was one of those things, another was them covering the cost of him coming home if this does not work, the other was in the same category. I go to into detail and some could put two and two together. So we got a court date, I was there via phone call. I laid out my conditions to the judge who said those are absolutely going to be done and I am putting it into the order right now. An order I have never gotten or seen, and only the assessment happened but to late to help him like with me, however he knows which means he can find the tools with my help and the same people I get help from with this. The rest never happened.
He has aged out at the age of 19 and turned 21 at the start of this year and still has a few years to go at them in BC and no statue on some of those are in Alberta. He has not decided what he wants to do, I know I will know if he does as I will be needed for him to go at these assholes with more information that he does not know but would then. He also knows all he needs to do is ask and I will tell him, they can’t be vague questions though. I insist on this because then I know he is ready. He knows enough to know what to ask when he is ready he just can’t say them yet. One day I have no doubt he will ask even if he never follows through on going at CPS.
I may not want to charge those from way this, but it is because living through this here is hard enough to tell my story I can’t imagine going through the court battle that most likely would piss me off more at the slaps on the wrist that would happen not actual consequences. I learned this when my son was 17, learned it even more two years later when I found out none of this was done, months before my son made me a kokum (grandmother) a year and a half ago. They only followed through on the one demand I had and I have a feeling that has to do with another factor, I asked them before things were put to the judge “How is it I could care for a medically fragile child to an extreme who lived more in the hospital then out and not have her taken when your lovely counter parts here stopped in to say hi a few times when we were home which was rare and the timing makes me wonder if the past is repeating itself”.
I pulled one of my two aces up my sleeve, the other I hope to never need. It got them to back down and give in. Self preservation and not wanting to be put under the spot light with #215 still in the news. Is probably why they did this one, as I would need to be contacted as would others about how he behaved growing up. They couldn’t hide that one at all if they didn’t follow through. Having this diagnosis while more beneficial also puts him at risk. His girlfriend, well I guess since they lived together when they made me a kokum they are actually common law now, is full native. He knows the CPS aspects without known exactly what was going on with his father way back, and not knowing till the Christmas before last about the fact that so many were mixed up in this, he does not know my dad is in the thick of it, he is not ready for that one my dad is different with my son then with me, then again he is also no longer racist against first nations thanks to his father and me talking about so many interesting things quite intentionally around him. However it more is that he was born into the family, the first male since my dad the cousins on that side are all female to.
He called me the night his child was born. Told me what his father had done, told me that he was smoking, and had done other things. The only one I didn’t know was that he tried and hated the one chemical he tried that he found when with his father still. Who I imagine like a found out with my son, is still seeing his younger son. His parents would let him see my son despite the order they were witness to that stripped him of his rights and put a restraining order in place. We were told the same if something like that ever happened with my son. Yea only they didn’t tell me it was only their son who they would let have any relationship with my boy.
I was tortued by CPS and my own family in a way that is not ok, I lost my son and his childhood and so many memories. Our relationship has improved since that call when he made me a kokum. He made it very clear that “Your still my mom, even if I wasn’t able to be home cause other’s were playing games you always found a way to get to me every time I really needed you and your still my mom and always have been” yea tears galore at that one that he heard. They still cheated me out of what could have been, they would not have pulled this if I was not native, they would not have pulled this without my mother getting their attention onto me, however they are the ones who did not return my son 3 months after the kinship agreement expired. They are they ones who legally should have and legally by all definitions of the law also kidnapped my son, and all the other things my mother could be charged with and then some because they used their position of power to do this.
CPS did not pull this with my daughter, though I get the feeling that might have changed had she survived given they called on me two months after she passed only to be stopped in their tracks when I told them she passed. The look exchanged and on their faces is one I now enjoy at the time though I had no care that they were scared, I didn’t care they were being played, I didn’t care because they were trying it again with me as far as I am concerned and had my daughter been healthy and home I have no doubt the same would have happened.
I do not recall what they said, that period of time is an area where I don’t recall things the best and the parts I do recall bring me to the knees. I recall the piece of paper in their hand and the seal on it which is enough. It was a court order as I had told them when they had last been by that they would need one before I let them near my home and that they were to leave or I would call the cops. Why did they not get that order far sooner when she was still alive, took them just over two years to come by again and with that paper. Why were they uninvolved while she was sick? When they have supports for parents dealing with this stuff why did they not help? Not that I would have accepted. Would have told them to get out of my face cause I sure as hell didn’t trust them. They did not know this though so it really makes you wonder.
So not only have I lost a child to death, I lost a child before and after through CPS fucking around. So while my story is different the fact that my child was taken illegally and the inability to get him back, that is a story I hear all to often from any native I know. They either were the one trying to get their child back, or knew someone that went through it. Last I checked 90% plus in all provinces and territories are native, my province at that time was a 97% I have no doubt this has not changed much at all. I have lost a child due to CPS while it isn’t as painful as losing one to death it is damn close, at least he is still here and reaches out from time to time and still considers me mom. Even if I don’t get a call or message from him on Mother’s day, haven’t for a very long time. I am a survivor of them trying to crush my damn spirit using my child who didn’t make it easy on them when he was a teen and didn’t take the bs either. He had asked some questions enough to know it never should have happened, enough to know he should never have had to deal with his father another day in his life since before he was a year old.
That also makes you wonder, why did they ignore the FEDERAL court papers that took his father’s rights away and detailed why? He sure as hell had not changed, he had actually gotten worse and had been committed a few times for some of his dangerous bullshit and did his time in a psych facility. The only difference that I can see in this situation besides the fact I am still squeaky clean with the law, and I hate saying this, the only difference is race. I am native he is not of any minority besides mentally disabled.
Why could this violent man, with no rights to my child care for my child and get taken there by CPS themselves from Alberta which is also against the law I should point out to cross boarders without permission of the court or the parent the child was living with when removed, there was no cause to be able to get the courts to give that permission, I would have known cause I would had to be notified and they clearly knew were I lived as they had that information from when my mother pulled her last stunt ever with me. Meaning they can’t claim they could not get a hold of me. There were to many laws to be able to get away with this one using the grey areas of the law and playing the system. I also had clearly learned a few things and one of them being how to tell them to fuck off get a court order.
So yea I may hate saying that the only reason this happened is because I am native it is the undeniable truth. Even the stats prove it for those who do not want to believe it. The schools are not gone, the government still takes our children, while they don’t get away with some of the nightmares from the schools they still take our children away illegally. So for those who have made it to the end I beg you do not be complicit again, there are to many cries from natives saying this very thing, there are stats that support it, there is to much saying this is the truth, just as with the schools. Do not let this go on, do not be complicit I beg you. Yes do your research but raise holy hell when you see that what I say is the truth.
How can the government regret what they did with the schools when they still take our children. I was taken, my son was taken, proving that this did not stop. They still take our children from us. CPS didn’t’ show interest ever in my son and I until they found out I was actively going to the reserve to learn more, then the real bs with returning my son started. The lies the emotional trauma my son and I went through. You see my adoption to my adoptive father went through before the last schools even closed, you don’t see any admitting to doing this one from the government yet I am not the only one with that story. How many don’t even know they are native with the story? How can they be trusted when they still take children away to this very day. My son is proof, my daughter is proof because you never hear of them coming by after a child passed away claiming they didn’t know. Uh ya anyone can see that one is kinda impossible. The stats are proof that this is going on. How can a government be trusted when it is lying to everyone? Do you think people will keep putting up with it, no they wont. This will come out one day I just hope sooner then later. The schools got a face lift and a name change that is it when it comes to the native people in both Canada and the USA. Please do not be complicit once again, I beg you. I may not have gotten to raise either of my kids do not make this be the story of so many others who can have that still because there are still baby’s in care that could be brought home and if the reasons were true then family members would take the children, family members were never asked. That is not how it is done or so they say.
Yes this post is long, yes this post is sickening, yes you may want to not see the truth of this. It is the truth, it deserves to be told in detail, I only hope it makes a difference one day. Again I hope sooner then later, there has been enough pain. Only when something is feared does this sort of behavior exist. Start asking questions. If I was not who I am freedom wouldn’t mean being able to be who I am without fear. It would not be story with thousands of words and more tears then can be counted. It would not still be happening if we could be who we are.
I am a survivor, not just due to this but due to other things based on the same factor. Some stories already are here you just don’t know it. However this story should not even exist let alone be so common. I did not want to admit I was a survivor however I am, I was lucky and found my way home. Others are not so lucky, there is so much suffering that could be stopped. I hate that my son can say he is a survivor for the same damn reason. I just hope he never has to say it because he to lost a child to this and it is a very real possibility until it is stopped. No more face lifts, No more new names. No More just no more, our world will be far better if it stops. This story should not exist as I said at the start and yet here it is. Only things changed was what was kept out, and it is either obvious or I said it right out. This is the truth in all it’s horror and no sugar coating.
I do not like sharing this stuff, however it is part of the chaos that is me, it is the truth and Mother’s day should not bring out memories such as this. Hopefully tomorrow things will be brighter here, today I would be a liar about being transparent as possible. I would be a liar about being a healer and doing no harm. I will not be that. I may need to hide who I am for my own safety, and I should not have freedom mean being who I am. None of my story should exist. I hope it will stop being a common one, then I will be free, right now I am not.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!