What are you most excited about for the future?

I’m most excited for the future for a few things. First would be the book in writing which is tentatively named Hunted. It’s a dark paranormal romance and will have quite a few triggers. I do plan on making it a series and so far those who have read the first 20 chapters have had some great things to say about it to me. I do plan on sending them copies from the first printing of the book as a thanks. These are the same individuals who actually sparked a bit of a nice change for me.

With my writing here I was always nervous about the more complicated aspects of my life. Some people are very judgmental in the world and I have learned that I’m a people pleaser. I’m slowly learning to not let that affect me as much.

These people have helped me be comfortable being me with all my quirks more than I ever have. You see I have been learning to unmask myself even from me. I discovered a world shaking mask I use and didn’t know. This is the fact that if I had the supports needed and the acceptance I may never have learned to talk. My default communication style is actually non-verbal. I fought this one for a bit as I can talk so no way this could be me, right? Wrong

First let’s mention talking with your hands. This is something I do lot and has been increasingly apparent as I get older. It’s also more apparent as I learn who I am under all these masks that even I’m not aware of. It does really make me wonder if I even know who I am. I do know who I am but was always trying to change, to fit in.

When the default language is non-verbal there are cases where these individuals can learn to talk. It’s more commonly seen in those with AuDHD. Yes this surprised the hell out of me given AuDHD being seen as its own thing almost due to how different our needs are. I’ve actually recently had to explain this to a psychiatrist it is so new of a concept and this is because of the people now being caught who internalize many of their traits, learn to mask faster, have different ways that indicators present. It can be one, a combination of these things and of course other factors as it’s a long list.

Here is were the hand talking comes into things. It has to do with the why for how I do it. Most will say they don’t know or something like this, for me the reason is very different. It is a way to regulate my feelings when they are intense, this pattern was pointed out to me by a long standing friend. I knew I did it to help find the words and the more disregulated I am the more words I struggle to find, I hadn’t even thought of this until I started to try and disprove this latest mask that I’ve found. I also use my hands to focus especially as the numbers of humans are increasing around me.

There is also the way I talk; no I was not delayed that I’ve been able to discover however that doesn’t mean that this is wrong in my case. For me it was a speach impediment that was there. One that gets more apparent when I’m tired to the greatest degree, it is apparent when I’m disregulated as well just haven’t paid much attention to how apparent. The other thing I do with talking that points to this? I will focus on one person to interact with, sometimes two. I can fake more but each person added actually is worse than the last for how much mental fatigue and anxiety can kick in. This caused me to over mask. In other words? Talk way too damn much when I’m with people as my mind isn’t made for verbal communication! This one took me for a spin to. This though hit worse as I got older, the reason is simple. I was trying to fit in and people share stuff with each other so I would do this as well. This one will be hard to break and unmask with especially given verbal communication is a trauma response.

I can’t speak to when it started however evidence does indicate that I was likely trying to please someone who was a bit hard on me to ‘use my words’ as they taught them. This gets worse though. You see the comments in the line of ‘your to quite’, ‘We could power our whole home with how much you talk’, ‘you must say please to get x item’, ‘go to your room, I’m on the phone’… I still get all but the last one. Instead people just communicate less and less until they are gone. Others just say fuck it and go, others and these ones hurt the most. Others just leave without a word or with some kind of pretty lie that they don’t realize I catch, and usually right after I’ve shared something uncomfortable. You have any idea what this does to self confidence and self esteem? Eventually you have none so you dial up the people pleasing so you don’t feel so alone or broken. A feeling that gets worse as years go on.

Then there was the journal I kept which my parents would hunt down and read them punish me for my crimes of speaking to a notebook and getting my feelings out in a productive manner. Which also taught me that my way of saying things and my emotional reactions were wrong and bad. This one actually explains why as I learn other languages I read it faster then speaking it and why my mind is defaulting to other languages instead of English because English to my mind deep inside was trained that it is a way to hurt me which means my mind is rewiring for in my case Cree as my default verbal language. I noticed this thing even more as I introduced German and Japanese into my learning experience of languages.

The learning other languages? A mask to hide how uncomfortable and downright painful it can be to speak. I can go days with only saying a handful of words, usually greeting someone as I walk the dog or am outside my home. It doesn’t phase me. I hate talking on the phone and instead prefer written conversations. Now I know why at least. Today I’ve said maybe ten words and those were commands for my service dog and my cat. Cat isn’t trained yet for hand signals my service dog is mainly for loud environments so it’s very basic commands. Touch, stay, sit, lay down, and that’s it. I’m training this further now I will tell you that though it seems kinda redundant to be honest.

The fact I can lose words is not just a sign of ‘selective’ muteness but also can be a sign of verbal communication not being what my brain is wired for. If I’m pushed hard out of self preservation I will speak the cost though has always been high and I would need naps the moment I felt safe enough in most cases. This again is a trauma response. It’s scary how many jokes or comments we say, especially with kids that actually can cause some major mental impact in a rather bad way.

When I figured this out, I went into shutdown and would nap often however these naps aren’t restorative instead they are a way for my brain to say ‘okay enough coming in I need to process what’s here’ and puts a ‘be back soon’ sign up on the closed door. When I started to pull out of this my mind still wasn’t fully engaged which meant I would hyper focus on something and with that group where I got more courage that I was speaking about earlier comes in with. It’s a discord group for those who are kinky and there are a-lot of areas we about way to many to list to be honest.

Someone said something about someone being a ‘smol bean’ and it caught my attention. When I found out it had to do with height all of a sudden I was asking everyone that day as they came in how tall they were and making a list. Yet the list needed to have the tallest at the top and be consistently decreasing. I did this all day and not one person commented on it, they just said ‘what’s with the heights’ if they seen it. When told I was just being curious as I didn’t catch what I was doing till the next day. These people gave me their height and just went about things like any other day. Those who didn’t see it or catch it gave me the height as well. In both cases the height was given before asking why. The next day I was a bit embarrassed by the hyper focus and boy did I get told that it was okay. With their actions the day before it made the words so easy to believe. They accepted me for me! Something that is very rare in my world.

The next thing that came of this support and acceptance was that I got the courage up to tell my family about it, the side that can be very judgmental. Every last one was supportive, even from my dad who if you have been around long enough you know what kind of prick he is. Now they didn’t give suggestions on how to make this work better for me. This came from a friend who works out of town and didn’t have a second thought in telling me that we can text when together, he will even learn ASL (sign language) with me so that I don’t need to speak when with him. Yea I cried at that one. Another friend went ‘we can just have some quiet time together and watch a movie what’s the big deal?’… I would never have said something if it wasn’t for these people. RR group from Discord you know who you are.

This acceptance has made accepting this reality easier than anything before despite being one of the most ground shaking discoveries for me. Yea it’s taking longer to bounce back from however this discord group and those two friends are right there with me. It means the world to me. Now I’m looking even more forward to learning more about who I actually am not who people expect me to be. Now I’m diving in with even more enthusiasm than usual with the deep dives. Which we already know is something I tend to do often and in detail.

Now there are plenty of people I have not told about this discovery and one of those people is my ex who is my roommate. Some may have been here when I revealed the gaslighting, and a few other things that are far from okay. This one though comes from people pleasing as to why I ignored so many things. The RR group gave me the nudge for my Friday posts on kink.

TW So heads up you might not want to read between the breaks if that isn’t your jam. Also talks about domestic abuse.

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My roommate was my Dominate. He actually pulled my ass out of one hell of a fire when I was new to kink. It took almost 4 years for us to get together after that and we had been talking for a few years already. He completely hid his nature from me which isn’t so easy to do. When we moved in together things were great for almost a year and then there were small comments and when we would disagree he somehow made it my fault every time and in a way I didn’t catch for awhile. We had an open dynamic with some very firm and written out rules that was actually stated due to him being bisexual and wanting him happy, however if he got to be with others it had to be both ways. When I was 7 months pregnant and on partial bed rest. I was still with him despite one hell of a terrifying display.

So with this we always met the other person, we didn’t need to like them just be comfortable with them. I met a girl from his past that he wanted to be with for a night or two. I had been perfectly fine with this until I met her. For some reason she triggered a very territorial reaction from me. I used my right to veto anything kink or sex wise with a specific person. I think hormones were a big contributor however he was not impressed. It took years for me to find out why she triggered that reaction. It was after a really bad fight and I came home as winter and wet feet don’t mix.

This woman decided I was the abuser that I needed to leave so he could have better. She even out right admitted that she wanted him through the phone that day. She missed my reaction which should have clued her into the fact there was another side to this one, ‘You can fucking have him’. I put up with it for a bit to make it so my drunken high as hell nightmare wouldn’t go off again. Part people pleasing, part abuse cycle, part being scared, part reaction to the conditioning that you make it work thank you Roman Catholicism and my family being very much into shoving it down my throat with the aspects from my great grandparents day since I was 3.

I was close to being out and actively looking for a place I could afford when my daughter got sick. She needed stability and I was mostly living at the hospital as I wouldn’t leave her. Then I was working with the social worker to get into city housing when she passed way. By the time I pulled out of that hell hole mentally enough rent was too high for me to be on my own and I had just had that car accident. This man though in play would push things way to far, he would badger me with my being to firm on a hard limit and I should just try it. A decade of this was my life and there were a few times before I clocked him where his hands were around my throat and not fur breath play. It’s how I learned that he could take I one hell of kneeing in the groin and not react. This one is my fault and he was just trying to defend himself. At one time things were so bad that I actually believed I was this horrid person and that I was losing my mind and recalling things wrong. Not a good time in my life, it’s one of the two times since I found kink that I cut again. Yup kink helped me stop with self harm. Not as uncommon with neurodivergence for kink to be a major thing for positive impacts.

I will actually be doing a more detailed post or two with this in more detail at some point. To get it out and to help others learn to not ignore red flags.

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Right now I’m trapped by the devil you know vs the devil you don’t. I’m also trapped because what I get in a month to exist on would be the rent on a pretty crappy place if I was lucky I might have a hundred left for the power bill. Forget food. So I’m literally trapped as his actions are mostly in check besides the odd attempting of gaslighting which now I see it rarely actually impacts me. Both parents that raised me were real good at gaslighting so I see through it once I’m aware of it. So moving in with my dad is not an option even if he would allow it. My egg donor well I rather not end up behind bars.

I had been just about out when I lost my friend Jack (I told his story before, I can post a link if you want) who was a major part of my life for so long passed away. He was in the process of doing some work in the basement to have a stove and bathroom for me there. It wouldn’t be a full basement suite but would be my place with a door and everything. Losing him had a far greater impact then I have told here because I didn’t want to mention kink. These people in the RR discord server though have not just given me a safe place to be me and encourage me to do things I might not have. They have also given me the confidence to start sharing more of the situation I am in right now. We may make decent roommates with a few perks because we don’t get turned on by the other and on bad days the help to have a shower is needed or with a meal. I will never fully relax though when he is here. With this encouragement and acceptance though, I’m actually starting to talk about this a bit more. I know how much it will help as it’s helped with so many other things to put my story here from my life experiences.

So I look forward to building my friendships with these people, I look forward and have the courage to actually finish writing a book. I look forward to having the acceptance I need to open up, to share, to give myself a voice and help others at the same time by sharing these things as well not just the more mainstream negative experiences. The amount of healing that has happened in the short time I’ve known them is rather impressive to be honest and all because of acceptance.

So the biggest thing I look forward to is having this acceptance help me grow and heal without masking who I am from anyone whenever actually possible. Acceptance has been the best thing for me to actually feel instead of being aware of what it is, and trying to fool myself that more people in my life that I thought accepted me really do not. I have never felt total acceptance that started day one with anyone and now it would take a bit to list those who have taught me what it actually feels like. I mourn the fact that in 38 years I have never felt this. I get this at the reserve but that’s just the way the culture is and I still mask a fair bit so they don’t see the real me.

Remember what you see may not be accurate with a person, I’m proof of this. My default communication not being verbal and verbal communication being a mask because of what I grew up around and having said to me all my life, I don’t show my pain and mobility issues anywhere near how bad they truly are as I think of myself as broken where most see me the other way. It’s a mask, I want to be accepted so I try to fit what I think the other person wants. I look forward to the day when acceptance comes easy to anyone because they see the value of any other human being no matter who they are or anything else.

Please accept those in your world, please encourage them to be who they are not just quirky every so often. Please be aware of what you say and how it could be taken especially to a child. This is what I look forward to in the future happening.

Now I’m still not fully out of the exhaustion state of the communication discovery so I’m going to go have another nap. What I’m going through now would be so different if I had acceptance far earlier in life. Which means I’m probably still in the rambling and getting off topic area of things but meh. It’s who I am and I’m not going to hide it more and more every day. That’s my promise to myself; it’s me accepting all I am one day.

Thank you to those who have supported me here, on the social media platforms, in Discord, and the few friends I know in life who are there to support me and find ways to be me so there is less stress on my body.