Today I decided to revamp my website/blog. Why? There are more things I want to get out there that make up all of who I am. I also have realized I struggle more then I realized and I know I am not alone.
Yesterday Evening I want to a psychiatrist because for months I have known my medications were not working properly for me any longer. Yet even knowing this I put off this part of my health because there has been so much on my plate, forgetting one simple truth. Without our mental health being worked on, improved etc then everything else falls apart. I am no different.
It was a long 2 hour appointment that left me utterly drained by the end yet also empty inside. You see I had to admit to the Dr. that I indeed was having lots of times where I was thinking “why bother anymore”, “I am so alone”, “no one would miss me if I just left” the last one was in my mind in both forms, suicide and just leaving my life where I am, cutting contact with everyone and starting all over. This scared me so much I called a 24 hour crisis line. THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR!!!! I encourage everyone no matter your current mental health status to have your 24 crisis line number super glued to your fridge. This ended up in a crisis one time consult with a psychiatrist where I had to do my best to not mask what I feel to fit in. I talked about the loss of my daughter and couldn’t get as far into what went on as normal because I was shattering inside. I talked about how I found this amazing podcast called AuDHD by Mattia Mauree the day before. I am now binging her podcasts because this is so me. I didn’t even think of the fact that certain mental health conditions impact others in unique ways. For the first time in months I felt hope. I got out of bed, I had a shower, I made my bed and even did a bit of tiding. So by doing this I had told the Dr that even my own personal care was suffering. I would go a week without a shower and not realize it. I would forget to brush my teeth way to often. By the time I asked for help I didn’t even want to pick up a book because “why bother it will just hurt more” Needless to say I was raw and locked up tight by the end of the appointment, which resulted in some med changes. I had to keep myself locked down because if I didn’t who knows how long it would have been before I could drive myself back home. It did bother me how many times I was asked if I had ever spent time in a mental health hospital. I admitted I tried to get myself admitted once and was denied because of my PTSD medical trigger was thought to be to detrimental to benefit from this. What I didn’t admit or even go near was the fact I feel that I am close to needing that level of care.
There is a term “high functioning” which is unliked by so many now because it’s ableism at it’s finest. Why? Just because I can function normally doesn’t mean I am not destroying my own sanity in the process. I can remember to brush my teeth, walk the dog, make food, etc. I know all I should do, it does NOT mean I managed to do this. Currently I can’t recall to feed myself because I don’t really feel hunger till I have hit the day’s point of not eating. For drinking water, I actually now use my “time to move” alert on my watch not as a way to get up and walk around but as a way to make myself drink. Yes MAKE not REMEMBER. There are times where I look at the glass of water and go “im fine, i dont need it” how much has this one single thought impacted my health on all levels in a bad way? I wont even try to describe them.
I have two amazing friends who help me out, both in a different country!!! No one local, no friends or family close by who care enough or have the time to ride my ass to take my meds. Altha, who is very similar to me health wise has always been there right when I need her. Today we are going to talk about what I should be looking for in a wheelchair cause mine HURTS so I don’t get out of bed often. She is also going to help keep an eye on me while I start the new meds as autistics can react differently to some meds. Gabriel is a life saver, often I wonder if he thinks I am using him because he is always bailing me out each month with sudden expenses and with food because disability wouldn’t even cover my rent if I lived alone. We have never met and I really hope that changes sooner then later because I want to explore the connection between us. I also wish to see Altha as well one day. Not just cause they cover my ass but because they are wonderful people who do not judge me. I face enough of that daily with the individual I live with.
Today, after being through the wringer though I feel better. I am still mentally exhausted that’s for sure, however I see that light at the end of the tunnel again. I didn’t drag my feet for several hours to get out of bed, only one or two. I got some half decent sleep. I recalled to brush my teeth and brush my hair. These may seem like small things, however this is not the case. For some people they can do the daily grind now issue and the next day its to much effort to make toast. Yesterday I got a reminder of how important it is to not only ask for help when I need it, but I was also reminded that it is OKAY to NOT be okay. It is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for help. Every single one of us is different and NO we do not need to be fixed. We need to learn to accept ourselves and others as they are, they are not broken, instead help them build up their strengths and work within their limits to excel in life. Rudeness could be changed if treated as assertiveness from the start would give us a chance to help that individual person become maybe the next great advocate, or someone who speaks up and says “This isn’t ok” and does not stop till change occurs. I encourage you all to think outside of the box every day.
Disclaimer: I never use real names, I assign those I talk about a name that I will use in my writing but never ever their real name.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!