Today has been a fairly quiet day for me. The weather has done a fun change and we are under a lovely snowfall warning. As I sit here I know I am changing day by day, how I do not fully know. I just know it is for the better. I have to believe that. However today, writing about Kalus and Dalilia is a bit on the hard side because I feel so very alone. I can hear cars outside, I can hear people talking, water running from another suite and yet today I woke feel alone. I am used to that, some days are easier then others. When I feel alone though I have this bad habit of letting my thoughts wander into unpleasent areas.
Today those unpleasent areas are the disabilities I have, yes they are part of who I am and I embrace them. Yet even then I know that there isn’t much I could offer someone besides the fact that as time goes on my mobility will decrease further and eventually I will be bound to that wheelchair unless science finds some way to fix my body. It is days like this that I feel that pressure of being a burden the greatest. I have to admit these things to myself even if I dislike how they make me feel and how those feelings color my mood. They make me wonder why I am inadequate and what I did to deserve that twist in time that took so much from me phyisically. Why have I had to go through so much to get to this point. These are the days that hope is a bit harder to find and embrace.
Humans are not meant to be alone, we are pack animals if we strip things right down to it. I may dream of living in the country and the home I will have, yet mixed in there is how I would entertain people, who might come to visit me. Today I find it hard to think of the last person who wanted to hang out actually was. Yea my adoptive father took me out to one of those breakfast places in January however he has outright admitted he does not like my personality to my very face. Delightful huh? I know my mother would come if I let her back in my life however I know that is the last thing I should ever do. Straight up she is a narcissist and then some, and I don’t put up with crap and will draw the lines for her and that does not make the dynamic the best there. There are also lines that should never be crossed and that woman has done so more times then I care to count. It was always me there for her, not her there for me. There is a huge difference.
I know what triggered this feeling, the mention of valentines day by a few people the past few days. A day for that special person in your life and you to enjoy and celebrate that bond. I can recall the last time I was part of valentines day instead of the outside looking in. I got a rose from a guy who was very shy, it never turned into anything besides a good friendship that eventually faded away. This was back in highschool. I tell myself I don’t need those things that are so common on valentines day, yet I also have to be truthful with myself and ask if that is the truth or what I want to be the truth. I do not know. I do know I am an easy girl to make smile and once I am with someone I am with them and only them. I am not the girl who wants the expensive stuff, I want the cute teddy that was picked out with care and given to me with some kind of potted plant. I want that home cooked meal that is filled with the love of the person who cooked it and the table set for two with a candle, however the table settings should be next to each other. I want those movie nights curled up on the couch or the floor with a bunch of pillows or whatever to lean against as I snuggle. Hell give me beading supplies or leather working tools or supplies and I am a happy girl. To me it is not the dollar value that means anything, it’s the thought and care that went into picking the gift, and that gift is not the item but the gift of their time. Perhaps I am to old fashioned and was born into the wrong era. Who knows. I just know what draws my attention and what I crave even if now after so many years it is hard to admit it.
When you find your affection and love thrown back in your face time and again, the mind does begin to wonder to areas of what is wrong with me. I recall the first time I had that thought, I was in elementary school. When you go so many years, especially starting young it gets harder and harder to share what it is you crave. You get scared of scaring what few people you have in your life off. Or you get scared that when you meet up with someone who you rather like that you have been talking to for awhile that like always there wont be a second time, sometimes it is being ghosted, others it’s them reaching out less and less often until they no longer do. Eventually fear takes hold and I am not afraid to admit this, at least to utter strangers who read this. I am afraid though of being hurt again because that seems to be what happens with me. This can be the issue of spotting patterns, you see one’s that creep in and eat away at you inside bit by bit. Do not get me wrong. I am strong as hell yet I am not wrong to want that special someone. The one who won’t say “you have to earn my love” six years into a relationship or “i am with you because you have potential” what does that one even mean, does that mean they want to change who I am to be what they see? I have heard some nasty things slung my way and it is true, words hurt far far more then sticks and stones. I have felt both.
I did once come within days of getting married, he showed his true colors in the week before when he broke a few of my fingers. Needless to say that did not go over well with me, yet very few understand why I called things off because by then, I had that deep down feeling that I did something wrong even though my entire being says I did nothing wrong. With all these scars, that come to mind from time to time I have to wonder if I did find someone who is that match for me, if I would walk away because I would be a burden to them. No matter how much counselling or therapy you go to, those types of deep cuts to the psyche do not go away, they scar over yea, yet that area is always weaker and more vulnerable to being hit and reopened.
I know these thoughts are silly, I also know it would be stupid to just bottle them up and ignore them. So I let them run their course and try not to let it get at me to much. I know the next day I will feel better about things. Or at least the next time I get enough good sleep. That is hard to find though at times, very hard. The less sleep I get the easier it is for this stuff to seep in and eat away at me. It is a simple fact of life. I have learned the harder I fight these thoughts the harder they cut and the longer they last. I also know that I am not alone and there are others who feel these things to. These are the important times in life though, this is when you make a choice and we are our choices. We can only control ourselves and not others. Perhaps this is why I am told I am strong so often. When in reality it isn’t strength it is acceptance of all of me and that well is a journey just begun. One I plan on sharing. Maybe one day this blog will take off, maybe one day it will not. Thing is, I write it for me and maybe that one person who needs to hear this because they feel it to and when you know your not alone, that is where the strength comes in. That is when you know you can keep going even if today is a day of no energy and little intrest in much besides the day going away.
I will say this, with me. March is always an interesting emotional ride and always will be. I never know what tomorrow will bring but I will accept it and I will learn to accept myself just a tiny bit more. This means I learn who I am better then I did yesterday.
There is nothing wrong with having your head spun around and given whiplash by your own emotions. It is part of life and I know this because I live it.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!