This morning, with my cup of coffee in hand, my mind took me to an interesting place. I found myself reflecting on my website and how it has taken on a life of its own. Did the domain still fit? I was surprised when I really dove into each thing I have written, realizing that I have learned more about who I am than I even realized. Each piece was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. So yes, the domain still fits, yet my mind, of course, had to keep going deeper into the why, and it makes a lot of sense now and made me look at this from the outside.
I have acquired skills that enable me to learn more about who I am, not what I present to people with that delightful have-to-fit-in-with-society issue mucking things up. I have made connections with other bloggers that have made me pause and ponder their blog posts, only to end up with a new skill or three for any random area in my life.
My first subscriber really kept me going, the blog The Mindful Migraine. Linda would know somehow just when I needed a comment on a writing or some guidance, like visiting the neighbors, that really helped me start to grow. Without this first connection, I know I would have tossed in the towel a few times. Her work sometimes triggered a thought process that led to some interesting writings over here. Her understanding of how migraines can kick you in the rear and letting me know I wasn’t alone was helping me push past mental barriers I had put in place, restricting my ability to learn who I really am. Each interaction was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. This resulted in today’s thought process. In just this short time, I have started to feel like I am contributing to society again.
Being on disability sucks, not just because of the financial strain or the social impact, but for me, the biggest one is the inability to work. That has been the hardest part of my journey through life.
As things became more debilitating, I found myself thinking a lot about how much I missed work and would take a job even at a fast food place—anything so I can feel like I am earning my living in some way at least. I started down a rabbit hole I wasn’t fully aware I was in, and it was not such a fun rabbit hole to be in.
I was starting to be really hard on myself because, let’s face it, those who are on disability face some nasty remarks about the financial aspect. One being, ‘these people should be grateful for what you get without having to work from the people who work so you can get free money’. That one always got to me; it’s not like I was given the choice.
It made me feel guilty for wanting to have enough income to rent a place on my own and be able to eat more than once a day. I don’t think a lot of people realized that for years there was a freeze on what was being given despite inflation. This doesn’t just eat away at you mentally; it eats away at your very spirit.
You do start believing you are less than those who can work, which is one hell of a mental spiral to get stuck on that can break your spirit and your will to fight. So feeling like you are contributing, even in a small way, is a massive thing and boosts you up more than I realized.
When I started up this webpage, I thought I would keep it just to my creative writing and journal entries on how things impacted me writing with disabilities. I also thought it would always be related to writing. Nope, like many things when you write, it took on a life of its own.
Now, I write about something each day, and most of the writing that appears here in my journey section, I don’t know what I am going to write about until my fingers hit the keyboard. Then it’s about getting the raw stuff out, not worrying about anything else but the words, then going back and filling in areas and making it look pretty and readable to someone who does not randomly talk about point C and go back to point A without warning.
This led me to the realization that I was feeling really good about this. Having to at least turn the computer on for a bit and do something productive every day made me feel useful again, not a burden, and I had not realized how much of a burden I felt like.
I am giving back to society in the way I can, not the traditional way of a job, but it is something. My currency is not actual currency in the traditional sense; it’s likes, the number of views, the comments… all those interactions. That is my currency; that is my wage. Seeing those numbers grow feels really good; seeing them go down too much is disappointing, which is a given, I think. When those numbers grow, it makes me see I am reaching people, sure, not many, but I am reaching a few.
It was an interesting revelation, to say the least, and the thinking got me a cold cup of coffee by the time I refocused on anything else. Despite the challenges, I feel happier, even when I am having a really bad pain day. I still manage to get up and do a post, and it brings a sense of pride that builds on itself.
I feel like I am giving back to the world, not just taking and being a burden. I originally wanted a place to put my writing for others to see so I could eventually get the courage to get published. It has turned into somethThis morning, with my cup of coffee in hand, my mind took me to an interesting place. I found myself reflecting on my website and how it has taken on a life of its own. Did the domain still fit? I was surprised when I really dove into each thing I have written, realizing that I have learned more about who I am than I even realized. Each piece was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. So yes, the domain still fits, yet my mind, of course, had to keep going deeper into the why, and it makes a lot of sense now and made me look at this from the outside.
I have acquired skills that enable me to learn more about who I am, not what I present to people with that delightful have-to-fit-in-with-society issue mucking things up. I have made connections with other bloggers that have made me pause and ponder their blog posts, only to end up with a new skill or three for any random area in my life.
My first subscriber really kept me going, the blog The Mindful Migraine. Linda would know somehow just when I needed a comment on a writing or some guidance, like visiting the neighbors, that really helped me start to grow. Without this first connection, I know I would have tossed in the towel a few times. Her work sometimes triggered a thought process that led to some interesting writings over here. Her understanding of how migraines can kick you in the rear and letting me know I wasn’t alone was helping me push past mental barriers I had put in place, restricting my ability to learn who I really am. Each interaction was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. This resulted in today’s thought process. In just this short time, I have started to feel like I am contributing to society again.
Being on disability sucks, not just because of the financial strain or the social impact, but for me, the biggest one is the inability to work. That has been the hardest part of my journey through life.
As things became more debilitating, I found myself thinking a lot about how much I missed work and would take a job even at a fast food place—anything so I can feel like I am earning my living in some way at least. I started down a rabbit hole I wasn’t fully aware I was in, and it was not such a fun rabbit hole to be in.
I was starting to be really hard on myself because, let’s face it, those who are on disability face some nasty remarks about the financial aspect. One being, ‘these people should be grateful for what you get without having to work from the people who work so you can get free money’. That one always got to me; it’s not like I was given the choice.
It made me feel guilty for wanting to have enough income to rent a place on my own and be able to eat more than once a day. I don’t think a lot of people realized that for years there was a freeze on what was being given despite inflation. This doesn’t just eat away at you mentally; it eats away at your very spirit.
You do start believing you are less than those who can work, which is one hell of a mental spiral to get stuck on that can break your spirit and your will to fight. So feeling like you are contributing, even in a small way, is a massive thing and boosts you up more than I realized.
When I started up this webpage, I thought I would keep it just to my creative writing and journal entries on how things impacted me writing with disabilities. I also thought it would always be related to writing. Nope, like many things when you write, it took on a life of its own.
Now, I write about something each day, and most of the writing that appears here in my journey section, I don’t know what I am going to write about until my fingers hit the keyboard. Then it’s about getting the raw stuff out, not worrying about anything else but the words, then going back and filling in areas and making it look pretty and readable to someone who does not randomly talk about point C and go back to point A without warning.
This led me to the realization that I was feeling really good about this. Having to at least turn the computer on for a bit and do something productive every day made me feel useful again, not a burden, and I had not realized how much of a burden I felt like.
I am giving back to society in the way I can, not the traditional way of a job, but it is something. My currency is not actual currency in the traditional sense; it’s likes, the number of views, the comments… all those interactions. That is my currency; that is my wage. Seeing those numbers grow feels really good; seeing them go down too much is disappointing, which is a given, I think. When those numbers grow, it makes me see I am reaching people, sure, not many, but I am reaching a few.
It was an interesting revelation, to say the least, and the thinking got me a cold cup of coffee by the time I refocused on anything else. Despite the challenges, I feel happier, even when I am having a really bad pain day. I still manage to get up and do a post, and it brings a sense of pride that builds on itself.
I feel like I am giving back to the world, not just taking and being a burden. I originally wanted a place to put my writing for others to see so I could eventually get the courage to get published. It has turned into something much more, and in an amazing way.ing much more, and in an amazing way.This morning, with my cup of coffee in hand, my mind took me to an interesting place. I found myself reflecting on my website and how it has taken on a life of its own. Did the domain still fit? I was surprised when I really dove into each thing I have written, realizing that I have learned more about who I am than I even realized. Each piece was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. So yes, the domain still fits, yet my mind, of course, had to keep going deeper into the why, and it makes a lot of sense now and made me look at this from the outside.
I have acquired skills that enable me to learn more about who I am, not what I present to people with that delightful have-to-fit-in-with-society issue mucking things up. I have made connections with other bloggers that have made me pause and ponder their blog posts, only to end up with a new skill or three for any random area in my life.
My first subscriber really kept me going, the blog The Mindful Migraine. Linda would know somehow just when I needed a comment on a writing or some guidance, like visiting the neighbors, that really helped me start to grow. Without this first connection, I know I would have tossed in the towel a few times. Her work sometimes triggered a thought process that led to some interesting writings over here. Her understanding of how migraines can kick you in the rear and letting me know I wasn’t alone was helping me push past mental barriers I had put in place, restricting my ability to learn who I really am. Each interaction was a discovery or a glimpse of something under all the chaos about myself. This resulted in today’s thought process. In just this short time, I have started to feel like I am contributing to society again.
Being on disability sucks, not just because of the financial strain or the social impact, but for me, the biggest one is the inability to work. That has been the hardest part of my journey through life.
As things became more debilitating, I found myself thinking a lot about how much I missed work and would take a job even at a fast food place—anything so I can feel like I am earning my living in some way at least. I started down a rabbit hole I wasn’t fully aware I was in, and it was not such a fun rabbit hole to be in.
I was starting to be really hard on myself because, let’s face it, those who are on disability face some nasty remarks about the financial aspect. One being, ‘these people should be grateful for what you get without having to work from the people who work so you can get free money’. That one always got to me; it’s not like I was given the choice.
It made me feel guilty for wanting to have enough income to rent a place on my own and be able to eat more than once a day. I don’t think a lot of people realized that for years there was a freeze on what was being given despite inflation. This doesn’t just eat away at you mentally; it eats away at your very spirit.
You do start believing you are less than those who can work, which is one hell of a mental spiral to get stuck on that can break your spirit and your will to fight. So feeling like you are contributing, even in a small way, is a massive thing and boosts you up more than I realized.
When I started up this webpage, I thought I would keep it just to my creative writing and journal entries on how things impacted me writing with disabilities. I also thought it would always be related to writing. Nope, like many things when you write, it took on a life of its own.
Now, I write about something each day, and most of the writing that appears here in my journey section, I don’t know what I am going to write about until my fingers hit the keyboard. Then it’s about getting the raw stuff out, not worrying about anything else but the words, then going back and filling in areas and making it look pretty and readable to someone who does not randomly talk about point C and go back to point A without warning.
This led me to the realization that I was feeling really good about this. Having to at least turn the computer on for a bit and do something productive every day made me feel useful again, not a burden, and I had not realized how much of a burden I felt like.
I am giving back to society in the way I can, not the traditional way of a job, but it is something. My currency is not actual currency in the traditional sense; it’s likes, the number of views, the comments… all those interactions. That is my currency; that is my wage. Seeing those numbers grow feels really good; seeing them go down too much is disappointing, which is a given, I think. When those numbers grow, it makes me see I am reaching people, sure, not many, but I am reaching a few.
It was an interesting revelation, to say the least, and the thinking got me a cold cup of coffee by the time I refocused on anything else. Despite the challenges, I feel happier, even when I am having a really bad pain day. I still manage to get up and do a post, and it brings a sense of pride that builds on itself.
I feel like I am giving back to the world, not just taking and being a burden. I originally wanted a place to put my writing for others to see so I could eventually get the courage to get published. It has turned into something much more, and in an amazing way.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!