“My father blindsided me again today, and I’m struggling to figure out how to handle this constant push and pull. For those unfamiliar with my history with him, let’s just say it’s complicated, and there’s a lot of hurt there—some of it crossing into abuse. While I’ve written about our rocky relationship before, today I want to focus on how he continually catches me off guard, leaves me reeling, and how I can find ways to handle this. I need help figuring out what to do. I should have anticipated this, been something he does during holidays now.
It usually starts with photos of my daughter, my precious girl who passed away. He has this habit of tagging me in or sending me these photos without warning. Losing her was the single most devastating event in my life, and as much as I treasure these photos, the unexpected arrival of them can completely derail me. They have this way of hitting me like a tidal wave, sweeping me back to those raw, painful days of grief. Many of these photos are ones I do not already have, so I always save a copy. I don’t want him to stop sending them—I just need some kind of warning, a simple ‘Is now a good time?’ so I can prepare myself emotionally. But that’s not what he does. He catches me off guard, and the weight of it all can turn a good day into one where I’m just trying to hold myself together.
Today, it was a photo of her and me. We were outside our home, sticking our tongues out and laughing. There are very few photos of her and me in existence, so this one felt extra special—and extra painful. Again, one I did not have. Other times, it’s been things like her medic alert arriving, or, most cruelly, the video from her celebration of life. That video… I still can’t bring myself to watch it. He posted it on Facebook once, tagging me. The video was from his personal profile, but he does use photos and other videos of her on his business page, to advertise. It is vile. The photos, at least, I can report for not having permission. Any time I have tried to ask for him to not use them for his buisness, or asked for at least a heads up when it is an image of her so I can brace myself he has actually increased the frequency. Now I leave it be because I am scared of not just him doing that yet again but doing more.
What my father is doing with these images is harmful because it disregards my emotional boundaries and exploits my grief. Sharing photos or videos of my daughter without warning forces me to relive painful memories unexpectedly, which is overwhelming and destabilizing. When he uses these deeply personal moments for his own benefit, like posting them on his business page, it turns my loss into a tool for his gain. This violates my trust and the sanctity of my daughter’s memory. His actions not only hurt me emotionally but also undermine my ability to process my grief in a healthy way.
Actions like these can cause significant emotional and psychological damage. Constantly being blindsided with triggering content can worsen symptoms of grief, anxiety, and depression, making it difficult to heal or even function day-to-day. The unpredictability of such actions erodes trust, creates feelings of vulnerability, and can lead to heightened stress levels. Over time, this can contribute to long-term mental health challenges, such as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), where individuals struggle with emotional regulation and the ability to set boundaries. It also risks creating cycles of emotional dependency and control, which are deeply harmful to personal autonomy and well-being.
I know I have to cut him from my life, just these two tethers prevent it. I know the damage he is doing all to well as I have faced it most of my life. The truth is, I’ve thought about it so many times and ache because I can’t, it would do more harm to me to cut him from my life with the cost of it. But two things hold me back. The first is my grandma. She’s one of the few people in my family who’s always treated me with kindness, always stood up for me. Cutting him out would break her heart, and I can’t bring myself to do that to her. She doesn’t even know the lengths I go to for her—I’ve kept it all hidden because I don’t want to add to her pain. I made a promise to myself long ago to never hurt her if I can avoid it. The second reason is those photos and videos. The thought of losing access to them makes my chest feel tight, like I can’t breathe. I don’t have them all and they’re pieces of her, pieces of a life I’ll never get back, and he knows that. It feels like he uses them to control me, to keep me tethered to him no matter how much it hurts. I am so lost.
And it does hurt. It hurts in ways I can’t fully put into words. He knows exactly what he’s doing—he’s not oblivious. He’s smart, cunning even, and as cruel as he can be, I’ve spotted the pattern now. It took me longer than it might take others, but that’s how it is sometimes when you’re autistic. People assume we’re geniuses at recognizing patterns, but that’s not always true, especially when you’ve been gaslit or traumatized. Sometimes it takes time, and that’s okay, with him it is the most obvious that patterns can be hard to spot in some cases despite common belief in this area. While in most areas in life this is not the case.
What makes it even harder is the manipulation that comes with his niceness when he is nice. When he’s being overly kind, I know it’s not genuine. It’s just a setup for something he wants from me. And the longer he’s nice, the bigger the request is going to be. I’m getting better at holding my boundaries with him, but it’s still a struggle. More often than not, I fail. It’s like practice each time I enforce boundaries, that is how I try to look at it instead of failure—it’s hard, exhausting, and often unsuccessful to keep my boundaries with him, but I still try because every attempt builds toward those few times I do succeed. And those small wins, the ones where I do hold my ground, they matter. They show me I’m capable of standing up for myself, even if it’s just a little. It takes a bit of control from him, control he has because of those photos and videos. Almost feels like a form of blackmail if I am honest with myself as to what he does. Yet what can I do that will not cost me two very important things for me that would crush me more?
My siblings, the ones I grew up with, they’ve been lights in my life. My sisters and my kid brother—they’re there when I need them, even if life gets in the way sometimes. My younger sister who is the next oldest has always been a steady force, someone who offers perspective and wisdom when I need it most, one I trust with the details of this blog and my pen name, has been a pillar of support in so many ways. She is the one in many of my posts, she listens without judgment, and genuinely cares about what I’m going through. My other sister, the next oldest, despite her busy schedule working shifts in the medical field. She might not always remember special dates, but her heart is in the right place, and I know I can count on her when it truly matters. I get why she forgets I did work in the medical field after all myself. The youngest sister she has a story of her own but I have disowned her despite the heavy cost it came with. My kid brother, though the youngest of us, carries a maturity beyond his years. He juggles a lot in his life, and while he’s sometimes late in reaching out, his thoughtful messages and unwavering loyalty always shine through. Each of them adds a unique light to my life, reminding me that I’m not alone even during the darkest moments. The age difference makes it hard for them to even have a clue that I have been treated in some nasty ways since we were little and I like it that way. I am the oldest, they are mine to protect when I can and I always will.
I truly do not think they realize what is going on with him, let alone the fact that like every other holiday my birthday has even turned into yet another day like any other. I get a few messages, maybe one or two calls, given the size of my family and it is no small number, it is heart breaking. I know that he still takes my siblings out for dinner or lunch on their birthday. Has never not done so since we were all adults. I doubt they even realize that my birthdays growing up were extremely different then their own. In fact I know or they would say something especially the one. While I wish someone would see I want to shield them from this because they would hurt for not seeing it sooner and they don’t need to carry the weight where our childhoods very much differ. At least this stuff rarely happens where they can see it and even less when they were there. I am glad for this but still hurts.
Days that are supposed to be about family, celebrating things, holidays. All those special times, they are days like any other day. They do not stand out. They are just days when I realize we are upon them that are a source of pain now instead of joy. Easter is no different so while I wish others a happy long weekend and a happy easter or whatever is appropriate, them saying it to me just makes me hurt because I know those that mean it do not know it will be painful not happy.
But my father… I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t provide support; instead, he places burdens on me. What he does with these photos and videos, with my daughter’s memory, it’s too much to handle. It cuts deep, leaving me emotionally exhausted and unsure of how to navigate the situation. And yet, I can’t risk losing what little I have of her. These moments, though painful, are tied to her memory. Cutting ties with him feels impossible, no matter how much he hurts me.
I feel more trapped with him than I do with my ex, who’s also my roommate. Which says a ton. As messy and complicated as that living arrangement is, this feels heavier. Like I’m carrying a weight I can’t set down, no matter how much I want to. With my ex, there are boundaries—imperfect, but they’re there. With my father, the weight is constant, like being tethered to something I can’t escape. And honestly, I don’t know what to do.
If you have any ideas or thoughts on how I can approach this situation, whether setting better boundaries or finding ways to cope, I’d appreciate your input. I need help figuring this out. I can’t cut him out, not yet. However I need help figuring out some ways to manage when he does stuff like this. please.
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!