You know, there’s something magical about embracing the chaos and turning it into something that feels so uniquely me. When I started this journey, I had zero clue what I was doing, absolutely none. I’m still figuring things out, honestly, but it’s been so much fun. Every day is a surprise. Sometimes it’s a random thought, sometimes a suggestion, a poem, or even a memory good or bad that decides to show up. Then of course there is the learning curve of setting up stuff in and of itself. Just the other day I realized I was not using the right box for my biweekly email. All of this and more has a place here. Sharing like this just feels right.
One of the biggest reasons I started doing this is because, for most of my life, I had no idea I was autistic. I mean, seriously, it wasn’t until 2019! that things finally clicked. Before then, I was just wandering around in this fog, feeling different but not knowing why. The tools for ADHD didn’t work, I had been misdiagnosed and put on meds I did not need, other meds were not doing me any good and some were contraindicated by other meds. Needless to say, I have taken far greater in-depth research on meds now, before it was pretty in depth as it was, I just got even more detailed in what I was looking up. If, as a teenager, I’d had access to a space like this where someone embraced both the wild chaos of ADHD and the meticulous magic of autism I think I might have realized sooner. It wouldn’t have changed everything overnight, but at least I wouldn’t have felt so alone.
Let me tell you, the autistic brain? It’s a wild ride. The number of things my brain juggles without completely short-circuiting is absurd, but hey, it’s a handy skill sometimes. Then to learn ADHD and ASD when combined the normal tools do not work for each has aspects that are opposite to the other.
I found an amazing podcast called AuDHD Flourishing and what a change. I have only watched12/98 episodes so far and that changed so much already image when I finally catch up and wait for new episodes what a change there will be.
I’ve barely scratched the surface of this journey and I have shared some fun topics, some intense disturbing memories, a handful of things I love such as tea has been making it’s way in and I am only a few months in and yet, here I am. Surrounded by thirty amazing followers, new friends, and most importantly, a better sense of self. My mental health has improved, my self-acceptance has skyrocketed, I stand my ground better with my boundaries, so many things have improved in my life.
I am smiling so much more. Who knew that just being me, chaos, and all, could have such an enormous impact so quickly? Honestly, I can’t even imagine what this will look like in six months or a year. It’s exciting, and just a little terrifying.
Oh, and speaking of exciting, I recently connected my social media to all this which, let me tell you, has been a learning curve in itself. Bear with me on that one; it’s a lot to figure out. The people who follow me there and take the time to pop over and read what I share? They make me feel even better as well and some that I follow have had me laughing or going I wish that was me (in a good way of course), remembering good memories hidden within the dark, some have helped me improve my self and what I look for, others have made me laugh more in some cases. It’s this lovely little web of acceptance, and honestly, who cares if you ever actually meet these people face-to-face?
Two of my biggest supporters don’t even live in the same country as me! One of them is on a whole different continent. Yet, they’ve been there for me through so much calling me out when I needed it, reminding me of my worth, reminding me to hold my head high and look ahead not down (I got to good at looking like I was walking with my head high while my eyes still stared at the ground, this habit changed) and just being incredible humans. Now I have this space too, this little corner of the internet where I get to be me. Even if it flops someday or never grows beyond what it is now, I’m still doing it. I’m still here. I am still beating the odds and breaking stereo type boxes and many other boxes to the point they can’t be recognized. I am proud to be me and all that it holds.
I must hide my legal name sure, I also make sure I don’t mention other names and if I do say the name, it is changed for their privacy. Often the images I use are AI generated because my own are just as unique as my poetry. Yet some of it is mine as well. The rest though is 100% un-filtered raw Siearra Frost. It is almost as if it has become a nickname in many ways. One that only some know.
Sure, there are posts based on my Indigenous heritage, some basic lessons I have learned, the rich history, the richness well it would be wrong to not share. Plus, I believe that the only way to stop racism, discrimination is through education, how can you hate something when you truly know it to that degree? Showing my passion through an unfiltered lens, by being unapologetically me.
I am chaos, life is not neat and tidy, it can not fit into boxes so why should I try to fit in boxes. I figure as long as I am not breaking the law or doing intentional harm (let’s face it we have all unintentionally hurt someone in some way especially as kids in the playground) then go at it.
The people who want to judge and be filled with hate then become obvious, the toxic people are easier to spot now far before they get into my life, these are people I don’t want to know and while I wish things were different; they are not. These people are hurting in some way themselves however I am not their outlet, and I used to let it slide and make excuses, not anymore. It is these people who miss out, not me. I just don’t have to deal with the drama and the hatred which eventually gets into your mind and cuts in ways that are harder to heal then a cut that bleeds. I am there if they ask for help to improve and truly mean it well, I would be doing harm to not offer what I can however I keep even tighter boundaries in place, so I am not harming myself. I have learned so much in three months and still so much more to learn and I can not wait.
I think a lot about what this means for me. Being disabled, not meeting criteria anymore that makes me employable as there would be to much harm for one side or the other. Mostly the other which is me, that was a real shock for me though and a kick to the gut. For years, I kept going, trying to force myself to get through each day that was just like any other, with no real concept of time or progress. Then I opened this door, it was meant for one thing and turned into so much more.
Now, I’m productive which means the world to me, is it the traditional sense, nope however I am still giving back in a way I can. I’m contributing to society in some way, even if it’s just by sharing my chaos and connecting with others. That’s enough for me. It’s more than enough. Why? I have learned to be me in so many ways and will keep learning, so every day is different now.
Honestly, even on my bad days, this keeps me grounded. Knowing that there are people out there who care about my random ramblings or read the long posts which you need tissue for, or read the poems filled with my unedited feelings. Yes, I write my poems and do not go back and edit them and that is part of how I write poetry, hell the ones who are most famous for their poetry did not conform to what was seen as poetry and blew that box open. There are people who find value in what I have to say despite the randomness enough to actually follow me! This makes all the difference for me, as my stats climb, as likes to come in or reshares, well that is the currency here. That is my paycheck so to speak.
It’s like every like or comment is a little nudge, reminding me that I’m not alone. Here’s the thing accepting yourself, all sides of yourself, absolutely isn’t easy. It’s messy, it is painful, you start to recall things that you trained yourself to not think about missing out on the good inside that darkness and it takes work. It is worth it, all of it, the emotional rollercoaster that comes with learning to accept myself yet each hard memory such as a post I made yesterday; My Response Should NOT Exist to What Freedom Means to Me, I was terrified to share to be honest because I didn’t want to go down that road, I did not want to recall what was done in the past.
The thing is, I was still carrying it there is no denying that at all yet putting it out there while it is still scary as fuck is more importantly helping me accept that those things happened, and it is bringing awareness to a very real problem. You can’t cherry-pick the parts of yourself you like and discard the rest. That’s just exhausting, and it hurts you and everyone around you. It also destroys you, makes you feel exhausted day after day, and you do not even see it until you accept it. Then that weight lifts and you go wow or just pick your jaw up off the floor a few times at how much lighter and happier you feel.
Sure, society has its biases, and it can feel like an uphill battle sometimes. there are people out there who will stand with you. You don’t have to face it all alone. The fact that people like what I write is proof that you have people in your corner even if it is just a like on the screen. Every connection, every interaction, no matter how small, reinforces that.
Here, in this space, I feel accepted. I feel seen. that’s a feeling I wouldn’t trade for anything. So, I’m going to keep embracing the chaos and see where it takes me. Who knows what’s next? Maybe it’s another poem, a half-formed thought, a dark memory that is a kick to the gut just reading it or just a laugh shared across the distance country to country around the world. I have seen the locations approximately of where people are from, not who is from that area, just that someone there seen my site. I have seen every single one of those countries at least once probably far more. They may not click follow but maybe they have book marked it so they can come back time and again, the important part to me is that people are seeing it. Whatever is next, I’m ready for it. Are you?
Who am I? 
I would love to hear from you!