Why is transparency so important to me? It’s not a straightforward answer, I’ll tell you that much. Transparency feels like trying to explain why gravity works while juggling flaming bowling pins it’s complicated, messy, and requires a level of balance that I don’t always have. I value honesty, crave openness, but the reality of my history makes it a labyrinth of complexities. Abuse and self-esteem issues create walls, barriers that make even the simplest truth feel like an insurmountable climb. Still, I push forward because, for better or worse, transparency is how I keep myself grounded.

But let’s not forget the role of my pen name. It’s not just a tool or a clever alias; it’s my armor, my sanctuary, and sometimes even my megaphone. It shields me not only from the judgment of others but from the repercussions of speaking about the things most people would rather sweep under the rug. I use my pen name because I write about topics that can stir the pot in uncomfortable and sometimes dangerous ways. Abuse the word alone feels heavy, doesn’t it? Talking about it, sharing my experiences, means shining a light on behaviors that thrive in the shadows. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that those who perpetuate such actions rarely welcome the exposure. They don’t want their names associated with the harm they’ve caused, and honestly, that’s fine with me. I don’t need names; I need the freedom to speak without fear of retaliation.

Unfortunately, this freedom comes with compromises that weigh heavily on me. One of the most frustrating sacrifices is my inability to use my own art or photographs as part of my work. My creations are distinct too distinct to safely include without risking exposure. Instead, I rely on AI-generated images, a bittersweet arrangement that leaves me feeling disconnected from my own creative expression. Occasionally, I sneak in pieces of my work, small glimpses of what I can do, but I never admit to it. It’s a strange dance, hiding parts of myself while openly sharing others. One day, I hope to find a better solution, but for now, this is the reality I navigate.

Speaking of realities, let’s talk about AISH. If you’ve ever heard someone describe a bureaucratic process as soul-crushing, they were probably talking about this. The stories I’ve encountered make it clear that AISH isn’t just a flawed system it’s a system that actively works against the people it’s supposed to support. Imagine reaching out to your MLA, hoping for advocacy or even just acknowledgment, only to be met with silence from them but an AISH worker is the one who addresses the issue, I am fairly sure this must violate some kind of privacy law, cause in a way we are whistle blowing. That silence, however, isn’t the worst part. No, the worst part is what happens afterward: audits. Relentless, exhaustive audits, year after year, which are more focused on finding reasons to cut you off than on addressing your needs. They always find something when this is the case. It’s like being under a microscope, except instead of scientific curiosity, it’s a search for faults a search that often ends in disaster.

Surviving on AISH is its own labyrinth of challenges. Federal benefits like CPP-D, which should offer some relief, are taken without hesitation. New benefits? They come with hurdles so steep, you’d need a mountaineer’s ability to navigate them. Take the latest one, for example. Applying needs a doctor’s note, which costs money, money that isn’t covered by Alberta Health Care, despite AISH’s insistence that we must do this they are trying to say they won’t pay these insane costs. Yet they say if AISH needs something that isn’t covered they will cover the costs… hmmm figure this one out. I have enough bills on my plate. The justification they offer for taking these federal benefits is “double dipping.” Double dipping? Two distinct levels of government, and in my case the CPP-D I paid into so why are they stealing my money? Let’s not forget CPP-D is taxable which means I get less then others who don’t get CPP-D. The term feels laughable when you’re struggling just to keep food on the table and the lights on. It’s not a feast; it’s barely survival.

And survival on AISH is not just about fighting the system; it’s about enduring the stigma that comes with it. Society mocks those on AISH, belittling their struggles as if poverty and disability are choices rather than circumstances. It’s a reality that weighs heavily, especially when you’re faced with yet another rent increase, another spike in power costs, all while trying to figure out how to stretch an already insufficient budget. Sometimes, it feels like the system is designed to break people down rather than lift them up.

But AISH isn’t the only topic I write about. My experiences with abuse are another cornerstone of my work, and that’s where transparency becomes both a challenge and a necessity. Sharing these stories means confronting the darkness, pulling back the curtain on behaviors that thrive in secrecy. It’s not easy, and it’s not without risks. Those who have caused harm rarely want their actions exposed, and speaking openly about these experiences can lead to repercussions that are as unpredictable as they are unsettling. Yet, despite the risks, I feel compelled to tell these stories. They’re not just my truth; they’re part of a larger narrative that needs to be heard.

Then there’s the matter of doctors. Anyone who’s dealt with the medical system knows the frustration that comes with it. Doctors dismiss symptoms, recommend vague treatment plans, and sometimes seem more focused on ticking boxes than on addressing real concerns. Navigating these interactions requires a level of patience and strategy that can feel more exhausting than the issues you’re trying to resolve. And yet, I write about it. I call out the flaws, share tips for dealing with the bureaucracy, and try to shed light on the ways patients can advocate for themselves. It’s a small effort, but one that I hope makes a difference.

Transparency, for me, is not about seeking attention or inviting pity. It’s about creating a space where these stories can be told a space where honesty and openness can thrive despite the challenges. It’s about shedding light on realities that too often go ignored or dismissed, whether it’s the flaws in systems like AISH, the stigma surrounding poverty and disability, or the lasting impact of abuse. It’s messy, it’s chaotic, and it’s far from perfect, but it’s the only way I know to keep moving forward. This is only a few of the things that could have some serious blow back if I did not use a pen name as my shield. One day though it will be different if I have my say.

The compromises I make the pen name, the reliance on AI-generated images, the delicate balance of sharing while protecting myself are part of this journey. They’re sacrifices I make to ensure that I can speak freely, safely, and sincerely. One day, I hope to find a way to bring all the pieces of myself into alignment. Until then, I’ll keep writing, keep sharing, and keep figuring it out as I go. For now, there’s no neat ending, no tidy resolution. There’s just the messy, ongoing process of trying to live authentically in a world that doesn’t always make that easy.

I do want to note that certain details may be changed for privacy of others or my safety it is all true, even the fun posts which are needed because I can’t be negative all the time. Not who I am. I refuse to be complicit, and I refuse to be compliant in a world that wants to eliminate us. They already tried with my ancestors given I am First Nations, I am a descendant of those they couldn’t kill. I am not one to mess with because I to am a survivor. I will use this to shine a light on things that need it. I do not use my ancestry as an excuse for things, I use it to drive me to make beneficial changes, raise awareness and go ‘oh you wanna try that do you? Let’s play then.’ Words no one wants to hear from me. Hard to fight logic and facts after all. I will use all the cards I have, which are many I just do not show them all, after all you never want to reveal all you know, makes it too easy otherwise. One of those cards is my ancestry and the fact I won’t lay down and just take it. Nope.I do not just want to fight one or two things but many things while also enjoying what I do. These may not be the main topics shown every single day however these are some of the reasons I use a pen name and AI generated images.

A pen name, and AI images are the only things that are not utterly me, my words, my reflections, my interests, and the chaos that is me, all the way. So, I am hiding my name not what makes me well me. After all Shakespeare did say it best “a rose by any other name smells just as sweet.” Can’t get much blunter than that one nor truer. I do make these posts from time to time; this way you all know this. I do not hide, I stay safe. I speak the truth and reality and always will.