Sacrifices. The word carries so much weight, doesn’t it? For me, they aren’t abstract concepts wrapped in heroism or grandeur. They are the tangible, difficult choices I’ve made throughout my life, often under circumstances I didn’t choose but had to face regardless. They’ve shaped who I am, though not always in ways I would have wished for. Let me share what this has meant for me. They are not pretty and are ugly in most cases. So be careful and stop reading if it starts to bother you please.

The first significant sacrifice to come to mind was one I made as a teenager. I became pregnant, and with that came the end of the carefree years typically reserved for exploring, making mistakes, and imagining endless possibilities. I gave all that up without hesitation because I knew I had a responsibility a child who depended on me fully. While it wasn’t easy, those years taught me resilience, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, not even for the freedom I forfeited. My child was worth every moment I gave. Even if there is a nightmare story there as well. Still worth it all of it.

But before that, my parents’ divorce unfolded when I was still a young teen. It wasn’t just a split between two adults it became a battleground of anger and accusations; which was better then the physical altercations, and as the eldest sibling, I took it upon myself to shield my younger siblings from the worst of it. Even at that age, I found myself listening to their venom toward each other, enduring what could only be described as emotional abuse, just so my siblings could avoid being dragged into the storm. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t easy, but I believed and still do that part of my role as the eldest was to protect them however I could. It left marks on me, but it was a price I was willing to pay for their sake. I would not make a different choice if I had the chance to do this over. The ones who see it, I know they see it because they have said thank you, at some random ass times. One was at their 18^th birthday because of course big sister takes them for their first legal drink.

The hardest sacrifice I’ve ever made, however, was for my daughter. She was so ill, and for years, my entire world revolved around caring for her. Those years were defined by love, pain, and an intensity of emotion that I can hardly put into words. When she passed, my grief was indescribable; still is I just carry it better, and it feels like a part of me had been taken with her. Yet, I don’t regret a single moment I spent by her side. Those years were about giving her everything I could, and though the loss remains, the love I felt for her will always be the foundation of that time in my life. There is a post March 5^th about this brave little girl who smiled in the face of what would crush many adults.

In a different vein, I made the decision to detach my identity from my own website. I needed a safe space where I could speak out about my experiences growing up in a chaotic environment, navigating the medical system, and living with disabilities. It was a choice rooted in protecting myself while refusing to be complicit in silence. The sacrifices here were more abstract, but still real: I gave up the recognition of having my name attached to something I built, but in return, I gained the freedom to speak openly, to share not only the pain but also the joy and curiosity that come with life. A refusal to repeat past errors due to silence and complicity. I am descended from the First Nations, I am a survivor myself however I do not use this to make excuses I use this to stand up and say I will not let this continue for anyone. Also means I can talk about any interest I have and the rabbit holes I go into without judgement. Those that know my pen name already accept me and agree with using a pen name for the same reasons.

Relationships, too, have asked for sacrifices. In abusive dynamics, I lost parts of myself my sense of identity and self-worth while trying to meet the impossible expectations of others. It took time and effort to rebuild those pieces, and the process wasn’t without scars. But it taught me that sacrificing your sense of self for someone else’s happiness is never worth it. That’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way.

Family has also been a complicated territory. My mother’s toxicity became too much to bear, and after years of trying to navigate that relationship, I made the decision to cut her out of my life permanently. It wasn’t a choice I made lightly, but it was necessary for my own well-being. My baby sister followed a similar path her actions and attempts to cause physical harm in countless ways that would leave her hands clean. Such as a facebook post where she fed people more and more details even my name and photo to rile them up more. Twisting the narrative to dangerous levels that ended with threats on my life all because she didn’t want to tell her current guy that she was the one to teach my service dog to play tag.

Any time anyone tried to get her to smarten up resulted in more danger coming into my life and she left me no other option, I even had to give up holidays with my family which resulted in me being forgotten for them all and even for my birthday because I would not kiss her ass and give into my abuser, I tried many ways to make it possible however I was not going to give up my life line, my service dog. Especially when that service dog would be able to calm me when she opened her mouth as she would do as often as possible. You can only poke someone so much before they defend themselves and I took far more as it is. That service dog is the only thing that would have kept me calm no matter what she said or did. She didn’t want the dog near her kids because they are supposedly scared when low and behold the next time we run across each other despite my best attempts her kids beelined to my dog to give her love. I had places where my service dog knows that yes she is on duty, but it is more relaxed and she can enjoy herself to. Some fear of dogs huh?

Even in those situations, I tried to do the right thing by them, but there comes a point where self-preservation has to take precedence. The last thing I did as her big sister, and let’s face it I will probably still protect her from a distance, was to not lay some very serious federal charges on her with enough evidence to result in far more then a slap on the wrist and a bit of time in a federal jail. That was just one incident with her, and while that was the biggest one, the others aren’t any better by much. She was even running her mouth about kicking my ass if she came across me dog or no dog.

She is a scrapper and yea she can ‘bitch fight’ which relys on who can scratch harder and pull hair. Me, yea I may be in a wheelchair, but I can still take most people on, I just don’t advertise it. Tai Chi is great for exercise and great for self defense. Would I want to? No absolutely not, would I have to? Unequivocally yes. The little sister I knew changed after a guy our mother was with got high on some chemicals and she was 15. I don’t think I need to spell that out. One day she may change but there are lines that once crossed you can’t forget and cause permanent consequences. This is one, she will never be back in my life, and it breaks my heart. However, she crossed one of those lines of can’t come back from. She was forgiven long ago however I will never be able to trust her again.

Finally, there are the sacrifices that come with stepping into a medical emergency to help someone in need. Every time I respond, I put my own safety on the line. It’s not something I take lightly, but I believe in being there for others when it matters most. Those moments remind me that sacrifice, though often difficult, is deeply tied to what we value most in life.

Sacrifices, for me, are not grand or theatrical. They are choices made in the face of life’s challenges, sometimes willingly, sometimes out of necessity. They have shaped my life in ways both painful and profound, and while I wouldn’t claim to have made them without doubt or struggle, I believe they were the right choices in their moments. They are not one’s I shout out, or really talk about. They are simply my choices and to me the right one to make. There are plenty more however that would take far to long to go into every one of them. In the end however, isn’t that all we can do and hope for that our sacrifices hold meaning and reflect the values we hold closest to our hearts? I also would not change one single thing, every choice, every sacrifice, every joy has shaped me to be who I am today. To be able to say I do not regret is a rare thing to feel and I get to feel that. Do I feel sorrow and heart break, yes. However I do not regret. Can you say this as well? Or what is something you do not regret that others would not agree?