Hey, so let’s dive into this. Consider this your friendly little disclaimer that things are about to get personal, a smidge chaotic, and maybe even a little controversial, depending on how you look at it. Honestly, I debated sharing this because, well, it’s a topic that makes me feel like that awkward kid in the school cafeteria—wanting to speak up but also hoping no one notices I spilled spaghetti sauce on my shirt. But here I am, getting vulnerable, with a dash of humour to lighten the mood because, as they say, laughter is cheaper than therapy and I am going to hide behind it, fair warning.

So, if you’ve been following me for a while, you know my site is basically a scrapbook of my self-discovery journey, and random topics that no one can predict not even me and I write them. Some of it’s profound, some of it’s messy, and some of it might just make you scratch your head and go, “Wait, what?” But hey, that’s life, right? It’s a big ol’ mixed bag, and I’m finally at a point where I can dig into some of the more peculiar parts of my experience, like… well, kink. Yep, we’re going there, folks. Buckle up. This is part of who I am, and that is what my site is about, the chaos that I am as well as the detail orientated individual wrapped up in that chaos.

Now, I know what you might be thinking. “Kink? Isn’t that, like, one of those things people joke about but don’t actually talk about?” Oh, we’re talking about it. Not just because it’s important to me, but because I stumbled upon this fascinating intersection of kink and neurodivergence—specifically AuDHD, which is the charming cocktail of autism and ADHD. You know, the brain wiring that makes my life a delightful mix of hyperfixations, sensory overloads, and executive dysfunctions. Picture a chaotic orchestra where all the musicians are playing different songs at the same time, and the conductor just quit to pursue a career in pottery. That’s my brain on a good day. On a dreadful day, anything and everything catches my attention besides what I am trying to focus on forget adding the chronic pain into the mix! Then it is “what did I do today, I feel so lazy” despite the day being full on chaos like after a tornado touches down.

Here’s the thing: I’ve been learning that for some of us neurodivergent folks, kink isn’t just about the obvious stuff people think it’s about. It’s actually a kind of sensory reset—a way to find stability and override sensory overload in a way that feels, dare I say, grounding. The concept blew my mind the first time I came across it. Like, wait a second, you’re telling me there’s a way to hit the pause button on the endless noise in my head? To feel a sense of calm and focus without my brain trying to sabotage me at every turn? Your saying I discovered this by accident? WTF

I came across this revelation in a very 2020s way: scrolling through social media at 2 a.m., half-eaten snack in hand, I think it was a pb and raspberry jam sandwich. Post after post popped up about how kink can function as a sensory stim for neurodivergent people, and I felt like I’d just been handed a piece of a puzzle I didn’t even know I was trying to solve. It made so much sense, looking back. The sensory input, the structure, the dynamic—it all clicks into place like one of those ASMR videos where someone perfectly cuts a bar of soap. Satisfying, right? Well for me that is what it was. I would feel rejuvenated as if I spent the weekend at the spa getting pampered.

And that’s when the memories hit. You see, for a long time, I struggled with self-harm. It was my way of coping when everything felt too loud, too intense, too much. I struggled to process emotions because I had been taught that even my journal was not a safe place to express them. You might as well of dropped an entire pack of mentos in a pop bottle and put the cap on. It is going to find a way out, and that was self harm, which shamed me every single time I gave into it however it was the only way to get the yuck out that comes with emotions. But then I discovered kink, and suddenly, something shifted. It was like stepping out of a raging storm into a quiet room with the exact right level of white noise. For the first time, I felt the difference between healthy sensory input and harmful sensory input, and let me tell you, that was a game-changer. The day I found kink was the day I stopped self-harming, and that’s not a coincidence. That’s me learning to give my brain what it needs in a way that doesn’t hurt me. I didn’t know that is what I needed so many years ago and yet my brain brought me to it and well things cross our path for a reason right?

But let’s not sugarcoat this—it’s not exactly easy for me to talk about. I mean, hey, I’m shy. Not like “blush and giggle at a compliment” shy, more like “maybe I’ll just disappear into the wallpaper rather than bring this up” shy. Yet, here I am, putting it out there because if I claim to be transparent with you, my readers, then I can’t exactly leave this part of myself stuffed in a metaphorical closet, can I? That and it is not healthy to hide who you really are not matter what society thinks. If it harms no one then what is so wrong with it? I can’t see anything but positivity in this discovery. Yea there are jack asses in kink, just like any other way of life so it is not so different. Yeesh I feel like I am coming out of the closet if I am honest with myself.

This is not so easy to write about, and I knew it was going to be hard. I may be that quite girl you forget about and yet is the biggest threat, but I am also timid and try to keep to myself because I have been taught that being me is not acceptable by society. That is not ok and we need to start saying that who gives a fuck what I do in the privacy of my home besides that overly nosy neighbor that shoves their nose where it should not be and annoys everybody. I rather just be an odd ball neighbor who is happy. That neighbor? They looked into an area that is private which makes them a voyeur at best and at worst, a peeping tom. If they had not, they would never know. I would just be that neighbor who is usually smiling.

Here’s the kicker, though: people judge. Oh, do they judge. I’ve heard all the comments. “Why would someone with chronic pain explore kink? Isn’t it counterintuitive?” or “But you’re AuDHD, doesn’t that make you too vulnerable?” First of all, let’s clear something up: I’m an adult. Surprise! I pay taxes, I make questionable choices about what to watch on Netflix, and I eat cereal for dinner sometimes. That also means I’m capable of making decisions about what works for me, my body, and my life. My brain may work differently, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work. If anything, it works overtime, and kink has been one of the few things that actually helps it calm the heck down. I am not a vulnerable individual and those who interact with me are the one’s who can see this. The judgemental individuals are everywhere, and I don’t need them in my life. They are the ones who are going to miss out on knowing someone who can be great and is loyal because they care to much about what I do in private. Which when you really think about makes them creepy now that I think about it. I don’t want to know what they get up to behind closed doors. No thank you.

For those who think I’m not capable of making safe choices because I’m neurodivergent, let me ask you this: if I can handle the life-altering decision of what toppings to put on my pizza, why would this be any different? Spoiler alert: it’s not. My executive functioning actually improves when I’m with someone who shares this interest because it creates a space where I can let go of the endless to-do lists and just be. Conversely, when I’m single or with someone who doesn’t understand, it’s like trying to use a GPS with no signal—frustrating and, frankly, exhausting. I do better when I have this in my life, you can’t argue with hard proof and I am walking hard proof. I need that break from the rest of the world, from that constant humming of electricity in the walls, the honking of horns at all hours, the barking dogs and howling coyotes. I need that break from my own mind going a million miles a minute. I don’t hyperfixate, it is not that, it is like the rest of the world goes away for a bit and that person and I are the only ones around. Who doesn’t feel better after having that time where nothing else matters then what is there right then and there?

What’s wild is how much this has taught me about myself. Life is a journey, and no two maps look the same. My path might have a few twists and turns that others don’t understand, but that doesn’t make it any less valid. Heck, it might even make it more interesting. I mean, who wants a straight, boring road anyway? Give me the scenic route with the weird roadside attractions any day. If you don’t want to know the details about that part of my life, I am not going to force you to know. I respect others to much; however I also respect myself and I am done hiding.

I’ve decided it’s high time I stop following society’s playbook and quit being a cog in the machine. Seriously, why fit in when you were born to stand out, right? It’s crucial that people embrace their true selves instead of acting like they’re auditioning for “Normal People: The Movie”. I’m committed to this idea, which means I’ve got to practice what I preach. Sure, I’m nervous, but I’ll take the plunge and hope others will follow suit – fingers crossed! Chasing goals that don’t even align with my personality? No, thanks! Authenticity is my jam, and I’m going to own it, even if it means stepping out with my knees knocking. Playing the role of “just another face in the crowd” would be like lying about who I am. So, let’s be real and ditch the script! It boils down to this… am I not lying about who I am when I hide part of who I am as if I was ashamed of it? I don’t want to lie to fit into the pretty little box, I am going to live life truthfully and fuck those who want to judge me. They won’t know what hit them if they decide that I need to be ‘taught’ to be what others want me to be. I am me like it or lump it.

And you know what else? Talking about this has made me realize how much stigma there still is around topics like this. People are quick to label, to dismiss, to judge. But what if, instead of judging, we just… listened? What if we saw these experiences not as something to be feared or mocked but as just another piece of the human experience? Because let’s face it: we’re all just fumbling our way through life, trying to find what works for us. Some people meditate, some people do yoga, and some people… well, try something a little different. And that’s okay.

It has become evident that we often tend to confront what we fear, much like trying to sneak past a guard dog by waving a steak. The path to overcoming fear involves understanding and knowledge, rather than merely staring it down like it’s an overcooked broccoli floret. Simply comprehending the object of one’s fear can significantly diminish, if not eliminate, that fear—like realizing the monster under your bed is just a pile of laundry. This comprehension empowers individuals because, as they say, “Knowledge is power” (though I prefer “Knowledge is like having a secret superpower”).

You don’t need to be a yoga guru to grasp this concept, just like you don’t have to try every flavor at Baskin-Robbins to know you don’t fancy bubblegum ice cream. Preferences vary—some opt for a spa day, others might choose skydiving, or even both if they’re feeling particularly adventurous. My method of addressing fear involves education: I strive to learn about myself and help others understand that despite labels like AuDHD, I’m fundamentally just like everyone else (maybe with a few more quirks).

It’s essential to recognize and accept that people are unique—some are like triangles, others more like octagons, and some are probably hexagons who moonlight as trapezoids. This diversity makes life interesting, offering endless opportunities for learning and laughter.

I’m not saying this lifestyle is for everyone—it’s not. But for me, it’s been a way to take a deep breath, to step back, and to reset. It’s been a way to silence the chaos in my head and find something resembling peace. And isn’t that what we’re all looking for, in one way or another?

So, here I am, putting this out into the world, spaghetti sauce stains and all. It’s not perfect, it’s not neat, but it’s honest. And if sharing this helps even one person feel a little less alone, then it’s worth it. Because at the end of the day, life is messy, chaotic, and sometimes downright weird. But it’s also beautiful, and it’s ours to figure out. One step, one choice, one breath of fresh air at a time. I gave a warning at the start that this topic isn’t for everyone and gave a chance to hit that little x and turn away. Just as I would ask a friend “hey are you ok talking about this?” I respect others and want respect back. You don’t need to like me to respect me. Simple as that.

If you read this far step out of the shadows with me and show society, we are different and embrace it by sharing one of your quirks. Say, I am me, not what society wants me to be. I shared one of mine.